Recap

A recap as explain by google is pretty much a summary.

So, what's going on with my life right now?

I'm pretty much just waiting to get my ass out of the country. Just working, working out and going out. A lot of people would be like, damn that's the life but unfortunately for me it's not. I would love to be in school, learning about anything. Or traveling, and that's why I'm so anxious about this trip.

I read the other day this article about choose your shit sandwich, it helped me a lot. The thing is I don't even know what kind of shit I would like to put in a sandwich. I don't know what I want to do with my life. Most people don't but at least they kinda do, they kinda have a direction or somebody that tells them what to do. I don't fucking know what I want in life. Honestly I'll settle myself right now with a good group of friends, a good girlfriend, well that's debatable, I should just stay single and keep having fun around. Or get into a relationship? Told you guys that I don't fucking know what to do.

So, 15 days, 15 days and I will be flying to Chicago and then out of the country. I can't believe I'm doing this.

In the meanwhile, I guess I'll just live my simple life some people envy and have fun with the fort worth girls, that by the way, are really cute. I mean, all I knew of American women was of military towns, where there was a bunch of guys just like me. Here, rarely, rarely, are guys like me So that works in my advantage ;)

Have a nice fucking day, don't kill yourself, try to smile, trust me every time somebody smiles or I see a picture of somebody smiling on facebook, instagram or any kind of fucking social media that makes us anti-social, it makes me smile.

Would you date yourself?

I just read an article with that title, would I date myself? I don't know, I don't really know. I mean I'm a nice guy, I treat women with all the respect in the world. I pay for dinner or movie tickets or whatever. But I do have dark issues. I'm not happy with my life. So, I don't know, some girls tell me I'm a good catch but I don't like those girls, maybe because they're too nice to me. And here we go back to the whole thing about me liking girls that treat me like crap.

My ex apparently is seeing somebody else. That's good because that will finally help me to get over her, her late texts saying I miss you were just killing me softly. I do want to keep in touch with her just because of the crazy things we did and the bond we created.

So, this week, I'll be buying my ticket to Thailand. I can't believe I'm doing this. One way ticket. This is going to be a crazy experience. I've been thinking about ways I can make money when I'm over there and I'm thinking about starting a website. Talking about travel experiences, about everything. Just documenting my day to day living in different countries.

I've been trying to be happy by myself and it's so hard. I hate being alone with my own thoughts and feelings, they scare the fuck out of me. Oh, I also twisted my fucking ankle yesterday at a music festival, so there goes my happiness, working out makes me happy and I'm here with a twisted ankle, oh well, at least it's not broken like the last time.

Thailand...

Moving to Thailand.

I've been considering moving to Thailand, India, Asia pretty much. Well, not really considering, more like I am going to do it.

Should I do it? Should I don't? Fuck it right, let's enjoy life, there's nothing else to it. I don't have anything holding me down here. Packing bags and getting the fuck out of here.

It's 2:13PM and I'm blogging to you guys from a bar. This place has wi-fi and beers so it's amazing. What else do you need in life? Oh, and there's a cute waitress sitting in front of me making conversation to me. I can't tell you guys her name, like I usually don't, but anyways, she's really cute, she thinks she's in love with this guy with twins. Seriously? Fucking seriously? Why would you get trouble? Poop and puke, that's all I can tell you. It repulses me to have kids. I'm just not made for it. Congrats to everybody that can do it but I like to take care of myself.

Oh my god, I like this guy because he has a motorcycle, really? How low can you fucking get in life to appreciate a person because of what he or she owns instead of how that person is? Here we go back to the conditional and unconditional love. Learn to appreciate a person by their soul not by what they have.

Well, I'm still alive.

Anxiety, fucking anxiety, that is what kills me everyday. I mean I'm getting stuff done, working out, working towards my goals. I just wish I could do it faster. Already got all the transcripts in order. Got a job, about to move into a new place. I just have this crazy anxiety in me.

I still miss her and care about her but I'm more calm now. I mean, I'm 24, why the hell do I want to be stuck in a long distance relationship? It's just a waste of time. I'm a good looking guy, I should be having fun instead of being stuck on a long distance relationship. Also, with all the TCU girls around here.

I don't have a lot to say, I'm just having a lot of anxiety today. I need a hug.

Am I getting better?

So, just like my psychologist said yesterday, what a big change. Now that I see it, these last two weeks have been like a rollercoaster of everything. I'm really happy some days and other days I'm not but lately I've been keeping myself busy and, oh my fucking god, that helps a lot. I started working yesterday, service industry sucks, wanted to choke a couple persons but I just laughed about it in my head, I guess that's better right? Had a good interview yesterday morning as well, and oh well, things are looking positive and I start to see finally a light at the end of the tunnel.

Also, my psychologist said, that I like women that treat me like shit, guess it all comes with the adrenaline junkie that I am. I don't enjoy easy things, I like to feel the thrill and the adrenaline of everything. Of women making me chase them. Keeping me on my toes, making me call them and not them calling me. I mean I enjoy when they're nice and treat me back good but if it becomes too easy I get bored and want to follow on. Guess that is what happened in the military as well, it was becoming too easy, I started getting bored, didn't see anywhere to grow up or anything.

I like to learn, I like to improve myself every day. I wish I had more tools aka money to do it. Anybody want to sponsor me getting a skydiving license? I promise you, you'll jump for free with me for the rest of your life or well, being more realistic, for the rest of mine. The way that I live life I don't think I will make it too long in this world but also I like that. I don't want to end up in a foster home, not being able to do my workouts, not being able to do everything by myself. Do you want somebody wiping your ass? Unless it's my life partner maybe, and that is still a maybe.  Also, something that motivated me was this quote: "It never gets easier, you just get better". I'm probably getting better at dealing with life issues, at dealing with myself, at realizing I don't have it easy but I will find a way to make it easy and kick ass. Because you know what, I have the fucking motivation, I know what I want, I'm working on the means to achieve it and I'll make it.

Oh, I also think I'm a narcissist and I blame it on my mother. Is that also narcissist on my part? And also I just did one of those online quiz, I got 34, out of 40. If you get above 20 you're a narcissist, so there you go. I mean, I care about other people, especially about her. I care more about her than I care about myself because I feel when she's happy I'm happy.

I suck at moving on.

Have a nice fucking weekend.

And here it goes again, remember, it doesn't get easier, you just get better.

Can you fix somebody?

So, here I am. Texas. Fort Worth to be exact. I like it, I love the city. I was supposed to be in College Station but oh well, shit happens right? That's what they say right? Well, how much fucking shit can happen to you? I don't know but I've been getting a lot lately. I'm glad is just like a phrase because if not I would be disgusting by now.

So, here it goes. My girlfriend or ex-girlfriend, I don't even know anymore. We drive from NC to TX, and like I said in my last post it was an awesome roadtrip. I fell in love more and more every minute we spent together. She's the worst co-pilot ever by the way. But alright, I get down here, I was supposed to stay with my cousin in Dallas and then we got in a fight so I ended up with my other cousin in Fort Worth and well, it is what it is but I actually like the place a lot. Not his place, well his place is cool but is a one bedroom apartment so I'm sleeping on a small ass couch. So, well the VA department fucked me over and my school benefits haven't been delivered to the school, so unless somebody can spare a bunch of cash I can't start there right now so I decided to stay here in Fort Worth for a little bit. Well, that happened, then my girlfriend or ex or whatever, yeah she, decided finally that a long distance relationship wasn't going to work. Should've seen that coming but my stupid head was too blinded by love. I still love her to dead, is there something wrong with me? Where's the guy that was an asshole and could get over anybody easy as fuck. Well, karma is a bitch right? Payback. But it could be worse, I could be fat, bald and ugly. And I got a $5 check in the mail, at least I got that going on for me. I applied to a couple jobs around here, so I'm not a broke college student.

I don't know what to type anymore, I don't even know if you guys really read this or just scroll through.

Well fuck it, also, I started seeing a psychologist today, she said I was a hot mess and that she was going to fix me and then that got me thinking: "CAN I BE FUCKING FIXED?"

Also, what do you guys think about conditional and unconditional love? Are people too selfish these days?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you