Enjoy.

I'm lying next to her, she's a beautiful mess. Aren't we all? I'm pretty stoned and a little bit sick because of all the free alcohol this city has to offer. I love it here. I fell in love with this city, it has taken my heart and if I don't stop it, my body as well. I want to settle here for a couple months, have what you called a "regular life" but at least stop drinking everyday, help the locals someway, teach them english, manners, education in anything, sex, drugs, alcohol.

She has been sucked by this city as well, I just don't want to end up drinking like she does. Or working in the same environment with the same kind of people, backpackers that found it was easy to stay here and get drunk every night. Literally, at your job interviews they tell you to don't get too fucked up but it's still like considered normal. I don't want that, I don't want to show up to teach kids all hungover, that would just be irresponsible from my part, teaching them all the bad ways we are in the western world.

Anyway, I just wanted to share some thoughts.

Smile people, smile. Get interest in other people's lives, you might make their day.

Carpe the fucking diem.

https://www.facebook.com/captainmistakes

Again seriously?

it’s 10-17 AM, I’m laying in bed, almost unable to use my right arm, WTF happened last night, I can remember most of it, I have around 15 to 17 stitches in my chest, I feel that I’m in really still strong pain killers. I remember I was in the bar on my way to the restroom to pee and then I suddenly felt into the ocean, I don’t know if I cut myself with a wooden board or with the boat propellers, after that my friends pulled me out of the water and suddenly I was in the island nursery surrounded by my friends, nurses, doctors, police, military, the owner of the bar where I “work”, the sweet khmer boy that works with us, blood all over me, shaking like crazy, they start stitching me up, it hurts like crazy. I can handle pain very well, physical pain but this was mostly a pain of if I want to be there and alive or I would’ve prefer to just died in the water at the moment I fell down. Cops start asking questions, what happened, somebody pushed you? How did you end up like this? Where’s your passport? What’s your passport number? Fuck them. I’ll help the people that’s trying to help me, the paramedics, the doctors, especially most of all my friends, One of them came to check on me and ask me if I needed some food and brought me some. Keeps impressing me that a lot of people that care about you it’s not people you grew up with, it’s people that you have only spend hours, days, weeks, months with them and that’s it. They’ll help you in whatever way they can. It’s an international family.

I wish I was dead right now and didn't have to deal with all that’s coming from this. At least I got this girl to look forward to, 19 days and we will be together. I just don't want to fuck it up. And then after her what? She will be gone back to The Netherlands and what will I do? What if it doesn’t work? Why am I so stupid and fucked up that I can’t never learn from my mistakes and keep running away from them. 

I wish this was a fucking novel but no, it’s my real life, it’s what I deal with everyday. I’m an alcoholic, addicted to women, to drugs, to pushing my body to the limit. 

I do have friends, they’re figuring out a way of helping me out of this one, they're sending me to the mainland tomorrow to a proper hospital so I can get real stitches, not fucking fishing cord.

One of them is in the corner of my bed cutting MDMA so we can sell and make some money to pay for whatever the medical bills will be. I have to stop with this death wish I think I have. 

I hate my life.

I  hate  women.  Yeah,  I  totally  do,  they’re  totally  bitches,  they  brainwash  me  all  the  time.  All  my  problems  relate  to  them.  The  only  nice  women  in  my  life  have  been  my  mom  and  my  grandma  and  still  my  grandma’s  love  always  felt  conditional.  I  mean,  if  you  fucking  love  somebody  isn’t  it  supposed  to  be  unconditional?    And  then  after  you  pour  all  your  fucking  heart  out  all  you  get  in  response  is:  I  need  some  space.  Really?  Fucking  A.  Seriously?  The  worst  part  is  that  I  know  there  are  feelings  underneath  that  thick  skin.  Underneath  that  cold  ass  heart.  And  she’s  just  afraid  on  showing  them  off.  Why  is  it  so  hard  for  some  people  to  open  up?    Or  wait,  here’s  the  worse:  why  some  people  have  to  follow  what  society  mandates  them?  Like,  yeah  go  marry  a  guy  that’s  doing  great  with  his  life  right  now.  Doesn’t  matter  if  you  like  him  or  not.  Doesn’t  matter  if  he  treats  you  like  a  gentleman  or  not.    He’s  got  money  right?  That  should  solve  all  the  problems  right?  I  fucking  hate  this  society,  I  fucking  hate  the  world  we’re  living  in  right  now.  Her  mother  not  appreciating  somebody  for  how  he  treats  her  but  instead  of  what  he  has  to  offer.  I  agree  with  having  to  offer  a  good  life  to  somebody  but  at  the  same  time,  having  the  ambition  to  do  it  does  it  count?  If  I  haven’t  had  the  chances  to  do  it  but  still  want  to,  does  it  fucking  count?    I  HATE  MY  LIFE.  But  at  the  same  time  I  love  it.  Everyday  is  a  fucking  struggle.  I  love  this  girl.  I  will  do  anything  I  can  for  her.  And  I  will.  I  will  show  her  that.  I  will  kick  ass  for  her.  I  could  probably  find  somebody  like  her.  Maybe  better….  I  don’t  think  so.  Not  better  for  me.  Do  I  want  somebody  else?  Not  really.  I  want  her.  I  want  every  inch  of  her  body.  Her  lips.  Her  face.  Her  body.  Her  attitude.  Yeah  it’s  a  bitchy  ass  one  but  I  still  love  her  with  every  inch  of  my  body.    How  the  fuck  do  you  get  over  somebody  like  this?  Can  you?  If  her  and  me  don’t  work  in  the  end  will  I  ever  get  over  her?  I  don’t  want  to.  I’m  fucking  24  years  old  and  I’m  crazy  about  a  23-‐year-‐old  nurse.  It  should  be  the  other  way.  It  totally  should  be  the  other  way.  But  it’s  not,  who  defines  what  is  each  way  or  another in this life?

Are we ever meant to be happy and so... what's happiness?

Can you fix somebody?

So, here I am. Texas. Fort Worth to be exact. I like it, I love the city. I was supposed to be in College Station but oh well, shit happens right? That's what they say right? Well, how much fucking shit can happen to you? I don't know but I've been getting a lot lately. I'm glad is just like a phrase because if not I would be disgusting by now.

So, here it goes. My girlfriend or ex-girlfriend, I don't even know anymore. We drive from NC to TX, and like I said in my last post it was an awesome roadtrip. I fell in love more and more every minute we spent together. She's the worst co-pilot ever by the way. But alright, I get down here, I was supposed to stay with my cousin in Dallas and then we got in a fight so I ended up with my other cousin in Fort Worth and well, it is what it is but I actually like the place a lot. Not his place, well his place is cool but is a one bedroom apartment so I'm sleeping on a small ass couch. So, well the VA department fucked me over and my school benefits haven't been delivered to the school, so unless somebody can spare a bunch of cash I can't start there right now so I decided to stay here in Fort Worth for a little bit. Well, that happened, then my girlfriend or ex or whatever, yeah she, decided finally that a long distance relationship wasn't going to work. Should've seen that coming but my stupid head was too blinded by love. I still love her to dead, is there something wrong with me? Where's the guy that was an asshole and could get over anybody easy as fuck. Well, karma is a bitch right? Payback. But it could be worse, I could be fat, bald and ugly. And I got a $5 check in the mail, at least I got that going on for me. I applied to a couple jobs around here, so I'm not a broke college student.

I don't know what to type anymore, I don't even know if you guys really read this or just scroll through.

Well fuck it, also, I started seeing a psychologist today, she said I was a hot mess and that she was going to fix me and then that got me thinking: "CAN I BE FUCKING FIXED?"

Also, what do you guys think about conditional and unconditional love? Are people too selfish these days?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you