Fucked myself.

As always I fucked myself over, it has to be the last fucking time. I'm done, done being nice to everybody. Caring about everybody, it's time for me to think about myself and care about myself.
Too fucking generous all the time. Time to focus on myself and on my future. I'm stranded in Thailand with $60USD, what happened to the rest of my money? I blew it, on my stupid addictive personality. I need to learn, I have to learn to stop being addicted to things that are killing me and become addicted to things that I enjoy.

I have to stop being a doormat and letting anybody step on me and I have to stop fucking people over as well. I just feel like a fucking asshole. Yeah, I might be nice to everybody but inside I'm just burning with sadness, rage, loneliness, all kinds of sad emotions.

I like helping people, it satisfies me. On my way back to the hostel today I saw a lost traveller and as I normally like to do I got out of my way to help him. I like doing that but some people just don't appreciate it and I let it just get under my skin. I shouldn't let that happen. I should just let it go and don't let it affect me.

Fuck all I want to do is drink so I don't think about anything anymore. I see why people likes drugs so much, they just block you from your reality.

I have a friend flying in tonight, so I've been trying to surround myself with people that know me more than just a couple of hours. Done with that, done caring about new people, especially when I don't feel the vibe I won't even waste my time in them.


I want to tell you all to smile but normally I smile when I write it and I just feel like crying being honest.

Fuck you all then.

Carpe the fucking diem.

https://www.facebook.com/captainmistakes

Answers.

Last day, last couple hours. I don't even know if I'm coming back or not. Fuck. I feel hungover as shit, stitches are off so I guess that’s good. It’s time to move. Can’t handle this island anymore. It’s becoming just a drinking place, getting wasted everyday. 

It’s not fun when it becomes a lifestyle and it has gotten me a lot of times before. 

I don’t know what to do, where to go. The only thing I know it is that I made a promise and I’m really looking forward to seeing her. Even though it kinda scares me how things will turn out when we see each other. But I’m being positive and really looking forward to it. 

This hangover has been the worst one ever in this travels. Haven’t had one like this in years. Just had the first food of all day. Puking my guts out all day. Laying in bed on the other side already missing so much everybody but have to move forward just like everybody there will. 

Are we supposed to know what we want in life? Why is it so hard to don’t have a direction? Is there supposed to be answers to all this questions? 


Please smile, I always try to even if I feel like shit inside. At least you could make someone's day.


https://www.facebook.com/captainmistakes

Fuck it

Yeah fuck it, decided to open up a little bit more. Still will remain anonymous, it's mostly to don't hurt people.


https://www.facebook.com/captainmistakes

Again seriously?

it’s 10-17 AM, I’m laying in bed, almost unable to use my right arm, WTF happened last night, I can remember most of it, I have around 15 to 17 stitches in my chest, I feel that I’m in really still strong pain killers. I remember I was in the bar on my way to the restroom to pee and then I suddenly felt into the ocean, I don’t know if I cut myself with a wooden board or with the boat propellers, after that my friends pulled me out of the water and suddenly I was in the island nursery surrounded by my friends, nurses, doctors, police, military, the owner of the bar where I “work”, the sweet khmer boy that works with us, blood all over me, shaking like crazy, they start stitching me up, it hurts like crazy. I can handle pain very well, physical pain but this was mostly a pain of if I want to be there and alive or I would’ve prefer to just died in the water at the moment I fell down. Cops start asking questions, what happened, somebody pushed you? How did you end up like this? Where’s your passport? What’s your passport number? Fuck them. I’ll help the people that’s trying to help me, the paramedics, the doctors, especially most of all my friends, One of them came to check on me and ask me if I needed some food and brought me some. Keeps impressing me that a lot of people that care about you it’s not people you grew up with, it’s people that you have only spend hours, days, weeks, months with them and that’s it. They’ll help you in whatever way they can. It’s an international family.

I wish I was dead right now and didn't have to deal with all that’s coming from this. At least I got this girl to look forward to, 19 days and we will be together. I just don't want to fuck it up. And then after her what? She will be gone back to The Netherlands and what will I do? What if it doesn’t work? Why am I so stupid and fucked up that I can’t never learn from my mistakes and keep running away from them. 

I wish this was a fucking novel but no, it’s my real life, it’s what I deal with everyday. I’m an alcoholic, addicted to women, to drugs, to pushing my body to the limit. 

I do have friends, they’re figuring out a way of helping me out of this one, they're sending me to the mainland tomorrow to a proper hospital so I can get real stitches, not fucking fishing cord.

One of them is in the corner of my bed cutting MDMA so we can sell and make some money to pay for whatever the medical bills will be. I have to stop with this death wish I think I have. 

Analyze

I’m back. Back in fucking Koh Rong. Staying in the same place I did before. Mostly everybody is gone or about to leave, why am I staying? Well, I met this English girl… yeah I said no more English girls but this one is different, I hope so. I really do. I like her. She like fills me up. I get just like this sense that you all call happiness every-time I see her. I love her. 

Am I fucked up? Like do I have issues in my head for real or is this normal for everybody my age that travels. Like I’ve met so many travelers that have the same problems like me. 

How fast can you tell somebody you love them? I’ve only know her for like 2 days and my feelings for her are crazy. I crave her, I want her, I’m in love with her. 

I should stop sharing this. I think it’s hurting people because I’m so honest. 

Wrote this high and drunk.