Awake. Again.

As I was trying to wake up this morning, still drunk from yesterday, I finally understood what a friend was explaining to me the other day. I realized how my mind was trying to fuck me over, realize that I'm not my mind. My mind likes to have these crazy thoughts, deep and bad feelings over me. Making me feel like shit. Then I just said, fuck you, I'm not these feelings, I'm a happy person, or at least I try to be one. You can't control me.

I think we can recount more when we feel sad that when we feel happy or pretend to be happy because it's easier to remember sad moments. Well at least for me. And I don't really think that happiness is something real. It's just a mix of chemical emotions inside yourself that make you feel great and high.

I have to stop drinking so much, I'm just doing really stupid stuff everytime I do it. The party scene is going to kill me slowly. The so many "fuck its" I say and do are just going to end up destroying me, if they're not already doing it.

You're supposed to enjoy the moment, don't regret the past and don't focus in the future but if I don't focus in my future right now, there won't be one later.

Sometimes I think, who am I writing for? For the people I know that reads me? For myself? For my mind? I really think that I just do it for myself, I don't really care who reads me because if I did my writing would change a lot.

What do I need to get my life together? What does it mean getting your life together? Doing what my family wants me to do? Or what I want to do? If so, what do I want to do with my life?

You guys don't have a single clue how hard it's sometimes to press the publish button, I scroll through other pages, think about twice if I want to share this and then I just click it.

Carpe Diem.

Thailand Update.

Hey everybody!!

It’s been quite a while since I write for you guys but that could just mean 2 things, I’m either dead or I’ve been having a blast. A crazy blast pretty much. This country is fucking nuts. It reminds a lot of Mexico back in the 90’s, you can do anything, get anything you want as long as you have money in your pocket. Viagra, valium, cialis, morphine, any fucking drug you want you can get it. I’m not into anything but if I were I would be a really happy addict here. So my trip started in Bangkok, arrived to the airport and everything seem pretty normal, just a regular airport, of course with a lot, A LOT more Asian people. Took the train and made it to the hostel, as I was walking on the street to the hostel there’s a lot of bars with a lot of Thai girls, this was around 11am by the way, and all of them try to grab you and convince you to come into their bar. I went to the hostel, dropped my bag, took a quick shower and head to get some food and a beer. So there it goes, the lost westerner walking into one of those bars full of Thai girls, one comes and sits next to me, trying to make chat on me and of course she wanted me to buy her a drink, I was like fuck that. Ended up getting horrible food and paying a lot for it, now that I know I could’ve paid a 1/5^th of that for a lot better meal and with no uncomfortable company.

Well, I spent a couple days in Bangkok, had my share of fun with the backpacking girls, then met this cool ass Canadian guy from Quebec and went to an island called Koh Phan Ngan in the gulf of Thailand in the southeast. I spent a couple days there just meeting more people, more backpacking girls, having my share of fun, driving a scooter around the island, seeing beautiful beaches and also bitches haha. There was a full moon party there that it was like spring break in Cancun but 10x better and crazier. Then from there I was supposed to travel with this 3 Dutch girls and one German girl, well the German girl liked me but I liked her Dutch friend and lets just say I’m in another island now with the Dutch girls and no German girl. Kinda fucked up but oh well, you all now I’m not a really nice guy sometimes. So, I’m in Koh Tao now, another island around an hour away from the other one with the Dutch girls and from here I’ll be traveling with the Dutch girl. We’ll see how that goes. 

All I’ve learned from this trip till right now is you have to look for what makes you happy, you, not anybody else and I can say I’m pretty fucking happy right now. Still got some stuff I need to take care of back in the States but honestly I don’t even know if I want to ever comeback, I’m pretty happy here in my bungalow with the ocean outside of my door sleeping next to a pretty Dutch girl.

Oh, she loves sex as much as I do as well.

Recap

A recap as explain by google is pretty much a summary.

So, what's going on with my life right now?

I'm pretty much just waiting to get my ass out of the country. Just working, working out and going out. A lot of people would be like, damn that's the life but unfortunately for me it's not. I would love to be in school, learning about anything. Or traveling, and that's why I'm so anxious about this trip.

I read the other day this article about choose your shit sandwich, it helped me a lot. The thing is I don't even know what kind of shit I would like to put in a sandwich. I don't know what I want to do with my life. Most people don't but at least they kinda do, they kinda have a direction or somebody that tells them what to do. I don't fucking know what I want in life. Honestly I'll settle myself right now with a good group of friends, a good girlfriend, well that's debatable, I should just stay single and keep having fun around. Or get into a relationship? Told you guys that I don't fucking know what to do.

So, 15 days, 15 days and I will be flying to Chicago and then out of the country. I can't believe I'm doing this.

In the meanwhile, I guess I'll just live my simple life some people envy and have fun with the fort worth girls, that by the way, are really cute. I mean, all I knew of American women was of military towns, where there was a bunch of guys just like me. Here, rarely, rarely, are guys like me So that works in my advantage ;)

Have a nice fucking day, don't kill yourself, try to smile, trust me every time somebody smiles or I see a picture of somebody smiling on facebook, instagram or any kind of fucking social media that makes us anti-social, it makes me smile.

Would you date yourself?

I just read an article with that title, would I date myself? I don't know, I don't really know. I mean I'm a nice guy, I treat women with all the respect in the world. I pay for dinner or movie tickets or whatever. But I do have dark issues. I'm not happy with my life. So, I don't know, some girls tell me I'm a good catch but I don't like those girls, maybe because they're too nice to me. And here we go back to the whole thing about me liking girls that treat me like crap.

My ex apparently is seeing somebody else. That's good because that will finally help me to get over her, her late texts saying I miss you were just killing me softly. I do want to keep in touch with her just because of the crazy things we did and the bond we created.

So, this week, I'll be buying my ticket to Thailand. I can't believe I'm doing this. One way ticket. This is going to be a crazy experience. I've been thinking about ways I can make money when I'm over there and I'm thinking about starting a website. Talking about travel experiences, about everything. Just documenting my day to day living in different countries.

I've been trying to be happy by myself and it's so hard. I hate being alone with my own thoughts and feelings, they scare the fuck out of me. Oh, I also twisted my fucking ankle yesterday at a music festival, so there goes my happiness, working out makes me happy and I'm here with a twisted ankle, oh well, at least it's not broken like the last time.

Fear.

I was at the gym the other day and I put this random playlist with the tags: workout and motivation together. And this speech came through, called fear. It got me moving and I've been listening to it on repeat since that day. Fear is the most subtle and destructive of all human diseases. That's the opening line pretty much.

To resume it to you guys is pretty much, fear hold us back. A little example about it, I talked with a bartender yesterday and mentioned to him that I'm going to Thailand next month, that I'm moving over there. He said do it, he said that he wished that when he was my age he would've done it. But that he has normally being a pussy on doing things like that. Now he has a kid that holds him back, even though he told me it's the best thing that has ever happened to him. And it's not that he's a pussy, it's because he's scared of what would happen if he decides to move on and follow his dreams.

A lot of us are scared to follow our dreams, our heart, because of fear, lack of self-esteem, if we are scared of moving to bigger and better we will never find out what will happen.
Some people and friends think that I'm moving to Thailand because I'm running away from my problems, from this broken heart, from her. I'm not. That's all I have to say. I'll actually be better financially and hopefully I will find happiness and peace of mind. I have to learn to be happy with myself, but still at the end of the day we are humans, we're social creatures, we need companionship to survive.

Well, I should be leaving around the 15th.

Well, I'm still alive.

Anxiety, fucking anxiety, that is what kills me everyday. I mean I'm getting stuff done, working out, working towards my goals. I just wish I could do it faster. Already got all the transcripts in order. Got a job, about to move into a new place. I just have this crazy anxiety in me.

I still miss her and care about her but I'm more calm now. I mean, I'm 24, why the hell do I want to be stuck in a long distance relationship? It's just a waste of time. I'm a good looking guy, I should be having fun instead of being stuck on a long distance relationship. Also, with all the TCU girls around here.

I don't have a lot to say, I'm just having a lot of anxiety today. I need a hug.

I need this.

I need to push myself. I need to keep going. I need to be positive. I need to be happy. Let's rephrase that. I need to try to be happy. Fake it till you make it right? There's no other way to do it. If I keep pretending to be happy I'll end up being happy one day right? Or what if not? Well, there's no other way to find out than to try it out. I have to surround myself with happy people. With people that care about me. That want the best of me. I know I have people like that in my life. The problem is: They're not fucking here around me. How are some people happy by themselves?

I have never been a loner, I love to be surrounded by people, I love to give them advice on how they can better their lives. On how amazing they're or how amazing they can be. But when it comes to giving advice to myself it's so fucking hard. It's a fucking struggle.

Your own life it's like a fucking balance, when everything in your life it's going great, you're happy. When something it's fucked up, I feel everything else comes down.

I do curse a lot. Mmm.. fuck it. It relieves my stress. Fucking cunts. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

You all have a nice fucking day. Fuck you all.