Again seriously?

it’s 10-17 AM, I’m laying in bed, almost unable to use my right arm, WTF happened last night, I can remember most of it, I have around 15 to 17 stitches in my chest, I feel that I’m in really still strong pain killers. I remember I was in the bar on my way to the restroom to pee and then I suddenly felt into the ocean, I don’t know if I cut myself with a wooden board or with the boat propellers, after that my friends pulled me out of the water and suddenly I was in the island nursery surrounded by my friends, nurses, doctors, police, military, the owner of the bar where I “work”, the sweet khmer boy that works with us, blood all over me, shaking like crazy, they start stitching me up, it hurts like crazy. I can handle pain very well, physical pain but this was mostly a pain of if I want to be there and alive or I would’ve prefer to just died in the water at the moment I fell down. Cops start asking questions, what happened, somebody pushed you? How did you end up like this? Where’s your passport? What’s your passport number? Fuck them. I’ll help the people that’s trying to help me, the paramedics, the doctors, especially most of all my friends, One of them came to check on me and ask me if I needed some food and brought me some. Keeps impressing me that a lot of people that care about you it’s not people you grew up with, it’s people that you have only spend hours, days, weeks, months with them and that’s it. They’ll help you in whatever way they can. It’s an international family.

I wish I was dead right now and didn't have to deal with all that’s coming from this. At least I got this girl to look forward to, 19 days and we will be together. I just don't want to fuck it up. And then after her what? She will be gone back to The Netherlands and what will I do? What if it doesn’t work? Why am I so stupid and fucked up that I can’t never learn from my mistakes and keep running away from them. 

I wish this was a fucking novel but no, it’s my real life, it’s what I deal with everyday. I’m an alcoholic, addicted to women, to drugs, to pushing my body to the limit. 

I do have friends, they’re figuring out a way of helping me out of this one, they're sending me to the mainland tomorrow to a proper hospital so I can get real stitches, not fucking fishing cord.

One of them is in the corner of my bed cutting MDMA so we can sell and make some money to pay for whatever the medical bills will be. I have to stop with this death wish I think I have. 

Fuck you little William.

Was it a mistake? Or just a life lesson? I prefer to take the second one. I don’t think anything we do is a mistake, I think it’s just a life lesson. Sometimes we repeat it, I’ve repeated the same fucking mistake a thousand times and I still keep doing it. When will I learn from it? Hopefully before it kills me. 

I left the beautiful island of Koh Rong, Cambodia, just for a girl. A girl that I knew for only 5 days and all the time we spent together was a mixture of drugs, alcohol and sex. I left friends for her. Yeah, I’m a cunt. I should’ve never left, but whatever, I’m on my way back now. 

I did learn from this. Learn to stop thinking with my lower head and use more my heart. I thought that I was using my heart in this one but no, after 3, 4 days of being together I should’ve left. But I didn’t and then I met some amazing people so, yeah, bad things, good things, whatever. I’m on my way back to Koh Rong now, with no money in my pocket, back to work at the bar and probably not even able to afford where to sleep so back into the fucking hammock. 

I’ll find a way, I always do. That’s something I’ve always been good at, finding a way around things and how to get myself out of deep shit. Sometimes it’s hurting and affecting other people. Well, sometimes, not really, probably a lot of times, I’d say 50/50. 

Sitting on train right now on my way to Bangkok, my visa expires tomorrow so if I don’t make it out of the country tomorrow I’ll have to pay 500 baht and I don’t think I really have it. 

But oh well, it’s also my fucking fault, I should’ve left 2, 3 days ago but there you go again. Thinking with the lower head. My penis is going to eventually kill me or get me in a really good situation, one of those 2 this motherfucker will do. 

 On the bright side, it’s beautiful as fuck outside, the train is really comfortable, especially comparing to being on the bus and oh, it was cheaper. 

Well, the girl from last night, California girl and also my first “Asian” I would say, she only had an Asian face but oh well, she’s got the heritage so it counts right? Haha. 

She kept telling me that I have the coolest life of all. I don’t really know, I have no job, I’m 25 traveling around South East Asia still and sleeping around with random girls from all over. I’m really picky so at least they’re hot girls. Yeah, I’m an asshole but fuck you it’s my blog and I write whatever I want. 

So fuck my stupid penis, got me in deep shit again. Oh and the fucker got a tantric massage yesterday, still spoiling the little bastard…

And now me and the little fucker just arrive in Bangkok, no hostel, no internet, no money and visa expires tomorrow. This shall be fun. 

Highness.

I wrote this about 4 days ago, I was debating about posting or not but fuck it.

It was one of the last nights in Koh Rong, until I come back of course.

Enjoy my highness:

Lets see how this goes; I’m pretty high on a lot of drugs at this moment with a cigarette in my mouth. Ketamine, MDMA, Weed, alcohol. I'm totally sure if there had been more drugs around I would’ve taken them. Am I a drug addict or just somebody that’s travelling and experiencing new stuff?

It’s been what? A month? Two? Three? This island is amazing, you create like a little family, one that actually cares more about you than the one you have back “home”. Everybody might be drunk or fucked on drugs most of the time but at least in a little part of their brain you are part of them.

This is fucking awesome; I'm literally sitting on the floor in my room whilst my Canadian and the New Yorker are passed out in my bed.

What the fuck am I listening to? Oh Led Zeppelin, now I see why you were so big. It’s fucking awesome music when you're high.

I always get asked if I’m going back home, that’s a hard question. I don't fucking know where home is. It’s a little bit sad, yeah, it is. Most of you are used to seeing your parents, close friends, siblings, like pretty often. I’m not. I don't even know if my older siblings consider me a sibling, like if somebody asks them how many siblings they got if they would consider me or how do they mention me.

Fuck that sad shit. I just saw the fucking sunrise in a beautiful island in Cambodia surrounded by fucked up people just like me. People that are running away from shit from their countries. There’s a reason why like jobs in places like this and why we agree to get paid with accommodation, food and the big one that’s the big spender for us: ALCOHOL. Or drugs, they pay with weed in some places but still that’s how they keep us.

I was talking to a girl today and it literally felt like I was in the book 1984 and she was part of the proles, because that’s how close minded she was.