Again seriously?

it’s 10-17 AM, I’m laying in bed, almost unable to use my right arm, WTF happened last night, I can remember most of it, I have around 15 to 17 stitches in my chest, I feel that I’m in really still strong pain killers. I remember I was in the bar on my way to the restroom to pee and then I suddenly felt into the ocean, I don’t know if I cut myself with a wooden board or with the boat propellers, after that my friends pulled me out of the water and suddenly I was in the island nursery surrounded by my friends, nurses, doctors, police, military, the owner of the bar where I “work”, the sweet khmer boy that works with us, blood all over me, shaking like crazy, they start stitching me up, it hurts like crazy. I can handle pain very well, physical pain but this was mostly a pain of if I want to be there and alive or I would’ve prefer to just died in the water at the moment I fell down. Cops start asking questions, what happened, somebody pushed you? How did you end up like this? Where’s your passport? What’s your passport number? Fuck them. I’ll help the people that’s trying to help me, the paramedics, the doctors, especially most of all my friends, One of them came to check on me and ask me if I needed some food and brought me some. Keeps impressing me that a lot of people that care about you it’s not people you grew up with, it’s people that you have only spend hours, days, weeks, months with them and that’s it. They’ll help you in whatever way they can. It’s an international family.

I wish I was dead right now and didn't have to deal with all that’s coming from this. At least I got this girl to look forward to, 19 days and we will be together. I just don't want to fuck it up. And then after her what? She will be gone back to The Netherlands and what will I do? What if it doesn’t work? Why am I so stupid and fucked up that I can’t never learn from my mistakes and keep running away from them. 

I wish this was a fucking novel but no, it’s my real life, it’s what I deal with everyday. I’m an alcoholic, addicted to women, to drugs, to pushing my body to the limit. 

I do have friends, they’re figuring out a way of helping me out of this one, they're sending me to the mainland tomorrow to a proper hospital so I can get real stitches, not fucking fishing cord.

One of them is in the corner of my bed cutting MDMA so we can sell and make some money to pay for whatever the medical bills will be. I have to stop with this death wish I think I have. 

Thailand...

Moving to Thailand.

I've been considering moving to Thailand, India, Asia pretty much. Well, not really considering, more like I am going to do it.

Should I do it? Should I don't? Fuck it right, let's enjoy life, there's nothing else to it. I don't have anything holding me down here. Packing bags and getting the fuck out of here.

It's 2:13PM and I'm blogging to you guys from a bar. This place has wi-fi and beers so it's amazing. What else do you need in life? Oh, and there's a cute waitress sitting in front of me making conversation to me. I can't tell you guys her name, like I usually don't, but anyways, she's really cute, she thinks she's in love with this guy with twins. Seriously? Fucking seriously? Why would you get trouble? Poop and puke, that's all I can tell you. It repulses me to have kids. I'm just not made for it. Congrats to everybody that can do it but I like to take care of myself.

Oh my god, I like this guy because he has a motorcycle, really? How low can you fucking get in life to appreciate a person because of what he or she owns instead of how that person is? Here we go back to the conditional and unconditional love. Learn to appreciate a person by their soul not by what they have.

Are all men created equal?

Are we all men created equal? Or what defines us? Pretty much I realize that under the effects of a mind modifying substance, whatever it is that you like, we all act the same, react the same ways to certain circumstances, or at least that is how it used to be back when I was a teenager and we weren't so different from each others, at least the people I used to relate to.

After my travels around the world I discovered different people, different societies, and still we are pretty similar to each other under the effects of drugs, alcohol, or just the greatest and oldest drug of all time, women. 

Is it society that defines us? In my poor humble opinion I certainly think it is. I'm not the same I was when I was a teenager, somedays I wish I could go back to those days, but then I think about all the knowledge and experience I've gathered and it would be the dumbest decision to change anything I have lived, of course I have made mistakes, who hasn't, but I try to learn from them, some of them I've totally learned from them, others I keep making them all the time. I guess it's because I haven't learned enough from that mistake.

Just like today, I went running with my significant other, she was kinda moody for a couple reasons, one of them was: "I can't find a good playlist to run", first thing that come to my mind is, are you serious? #firstworldproblems but then anyways we kept going she got moody again, I said fuck it and started running by myself, seconds afterwards she calls me, I wasn't going to answer, but I decided to put my guard down, why? Before I would've said fuck this, but then I realized listening to your brain is good but sometimes you actually have to listen to your heart, that's all I have done with her and I have never been so happy in my life.

Anxiety attacks have been getting worse lately, just the fact about leaving this town and being so far away from her scare me, starting a new life, I always get this crazy anxiety every time I would do a big change in my life, and trust me, I've done quite a few. I'll tell you all about them later on. 

So, well, what I'm saying is, are we all sentimental underneath everything else? Do we put on a mask sometimes to show another person of what we really feel? I'll talk about that later.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

 

Another common day. At least for me.

Well, I just started this, always thought about opening a blog but I guess I never really had the balls, or time pretty much to do it. I was born outside this country, I'm white, brown hair, 5'10' and in good shape (I just separated the military so that comes with it), and I'm currently stranded in North Carolina, well, in Fayetteville to be exact, cuz I would love to be stranded anywhere else in North Carolina. This is probably one of the worst towns I've ever been in my life, and trust me, I've been all over the place.

I just met the most awesome girl I've met in my life, well in my short life I guess, I'm 24 by the way, but I don't know, I love her, at least that's what I keep telling myself, she makes me the happiest guy everyday or I think I am the happiest guy ever? See? So many questions, so few answers. That's my life story, always questioning everything, why this, why that? Why can't life be a lot more simple, just be happy, that's all I want, do I?

What did I do today? I woke up early, as usual, because the light on her room wakes me up and it's hard for me to sleep with sunshine in my eyes, so first thing I did was tried to cuddle her or well, lets be honest, tried to get her in the mood for morning sex, and as usual, didn't work, she just doesn't like morning sex, I don't understand why, who doesn't likes morning sex? Or maybe I like it too much?


I'M JUST ANOTHER WEIRD GUY.

AM I?....