Fucked myself.

As always I fucked myself over, it has to be the last fucking time. I'm done, done being nice to everybody. Caring about everybody, it's time for me to think about myself and care about myself.
Too fucking generous all the time. Time to focus on myself and on my future. I'm stranded in Thailand with $60USD, what happened to the rest of my money? I blew it, on my stupid addictive personality. I need to learn, I have to learn to stop being addicted to things that are killing me and become addicted to things that I enjoy.

I have to stop being a doormat and letting anybody step on me and I have to stop fucking people over as well. I just feel like a fucking asshole. Yeah, I might be nice to everybody but inside I'm just burning with sadness, rage, loneliness, all kinds of sad emotions.

I like helping people, it satisfies me. On my way back to the hostel today I saw a lost traveller and as I normally like to do I got out of my way to help him. I like doing that but some people just don't appreciate it and I let it just get under my skin. I shouldn't let that happen. I should just let it go and don't let it affect me.

Fuck all I want to do is drink so I don't think about anything anymore. I see why people likes drugs so much, they just block you from your reality.

I have a friend flying in tonight, so I've been trying to surround myself with people that know me more than just a couple of hours. Done with that, done caring about new people, especially when I don't feel the vibe I won't even waste my time in them.


I want to tell you all to smile but normally I smile when I write it and I just feel like crying being honest.

Fuck you all then.

Carpe the fucking diem.

https://www.facebook.com/captainmistakes

Breaking hearts, burning bridges, going down. Repeat.

Repeat, repeat. Why am I afraid of letting someone love me? Why when finally somebody cares about me I want to just run away and I get scared.

I need to learn to love myself first before loving or loving somebody else and I'm also scared of sharing everything. I'm scared of opening up.

Yeah, I was so positive about it a couple days ago and now I just want to run away. I'm scared to death being honest. Still, I think it's better to break it off right now than to just pretend nothing is going through my head and make it a lot harder later.

Damn you travels, damn you life but still if life was easy and dull what would be the point of living it?

Life always goes on.

She's going on her way and I don't know what I'm doing. English teacher in Hanoi? Meeting up friends down south? I hate decisions.


Carpe the fucking diem. And smile, please smile.

www.facebook.com/captainmistakes

Again seriously?

it’s 10-17 AM, I’m laying in bed, almost unable to use my right arm, WTF happened last night, I can remember most of it, I have around 15 to 17 stitches in my chest, I feel that I’m in really still strong pain killers. I remember I was in the bar on my way to the restroom to pee and then I suddenly felt into the ocean, I don’t know if I cut myself with a wooden board or with the boat propellers, after that my friends pulled me out of the water and suddenly I was in the island nursery surrounded by my friends, nurses, doctors, police, military, the owner of the bar where I “work”, the sweet khmer boy that works with us, blood all over me, shaking like crazy, they start stitching me up, it hurts like crazy. I can handle pain very well, physical pain but this was mostly a pain of if I want to be there and alive or I would’ve prefer to just died in the water at the moment I fell down. Cops start asking questions, what happened, somebody pushed you? How did you end up like this? Where’s your passport? What’s your passport number? Fuck them. I’ll help the people that’s trying to help me, the paramedics, the doctors, especially most of all my friends, One of them came to check on me and ask me if I needed some food and brought me some. Keeps impressing me that a lot of people that care about you it’s not people you grew up with, it’s people that you have only spend hours, days, weeks, months with them and that’s it. They’ll help you in whatever way they can. It’s an international family.

I wish I was dead right now and didn't have to deal with all that’s coming from this. At least I got this girl to look forward to, 19 days and we will be together. I just don't want to fuck it up. And then after her what? She will be gone back to The Netherlands and what will I do? What if it doesn’t work? Why am I so stupid and fucked up that I can’t never learn from my mistakes and keep running away from them. 

I wish this was a fucking novel but no, it’s my real life, it’s what I deal with everyday. I’m an alcoholic, addicted to women, to drugs, to pushing my body to the limit. 

I do have friends, they’re figuring out a way of helping me out of this one, they're sending me to the mainland tomorrow to a proper hospital so I can get real stitches, not fucking fishing cord.

One of them is in the corner of my bed cutting MDMA so we can sell and make some money to pay for whatever the medical bills will be. I have to stop with this death wish I think I have. 

Highness.

I wrote this about 4 days ago, I was debating about posting or not but fuck it.

It was one of the last nights in Koh Rong, until I come back of course.

Enjoy my highness:

Lets see how this goes; I’m pretty high on a lot of drugs at this moment with a cigarette in my mouth. Ketamine, MDMA, Weed, alcohol. I'm totally sure if there had been more drugs around I would’ve taken them. Am I a drug addict or just somebody that’s travelling and experiencing new stuff?

It’s been what? A month? Two? Three? This island is amazing, you create like a little family, one that actually cares more about you than the one you have back “home”. Everybody might be drunk or fucked on drugs most of the time but at least in a little part of their brain you are part of them.

This is fucking awesome; I'm literally sitting on the floor in my room whilst my Canadian and the New Yorker are passed out in my bed.

What the fuck am I listening to? Oh Led Zeppelin, now I see why you were so big. It’s fucking awesome music when you're high.

I always get asked if I’m going back home, that’s a hard question. I don't fucking know where home is. It’s a little bit sad, yeah, it is. Most of you are used to seeing your parents, close friends, siblings, like pretty often. I’m not. I don't even know if my older siblings consider me a sibling, like if somebody asks them how many siblings they got if they would consider me or how do they mention me.

Fuck that sad shit. I just saw the fucking sunrise in a beautiful island in Cambodia surrounded by fucked up people just like me. People that are running away from shit from their countries. There’s a reason why like jobs in places like this and why we agree to get paid with accommodation, food and the big one that’s the big spender for us: ALCOHOL. Or drugs, they pay with weed in some places but still that’s how they keep us.

I was talking to a girl today and it literally felt like I was in the book 1984 and she was part of the proles, because that’s how close minded she was.