I'm back, sadder and lonelier.

So, yeah, I decided to get back on the writing train. Got myself a single room so I could get more focus on myself, so I could feel the loneliness aching my bones, the reality hitting me. I talked to a friend today, somebody I consider by now a really good friend. I was really hurting, suffering from a person that left my side. Somebody I got too attached, somebody whom I fell "in love" too fast, if love is a true thing. Well, anyhow, what he told me is that I'm not going to be a one girl person, I have too much passion to give, that I have to accept it, I can't change it. I just have to accept it and endure it. He said that I just can't change who I am, that there is a lot of passion in me, I think finally somebody got me. Not trying to be cocky and saying I'm such a passionate person but just looking at myself at the mirror right now makes me realize I am.


So, update? I'm in Lao, was travelling with another dutch girl that just kinda broke me a little bit, it always happens, I'll get back, you guys know how I am. I got a broken collarbone by the way, it'll either fix itself or I'll fix it later. Got a bunch of suicidal thoughts in my head the other day and that's something I discussed with my friend today as well. Pretty much he made me realize that I'm not the crazy one, my mind is. You should think: "but you're your mind", I thought the same thing when he told me but no, the part of my mind that thinks about killing myself, about failure, about being a jerk, an asshole; it's completely a different part than the one that I'm using whilst writing all this. Is the scary part, is the part that I'm alone with mostly at nights, that's why I normally need the heat of a woman at night. I don't want girls for sex, yeah, that's what I tell myself, I want a hot chick to bang her, but no, not really, I want a girl for the company because I'm scared to be alone. What happens when I'm alone? Inspiration comes through, suicidal thoughts become harder and stronger than ever and that's when I get to know myself.

Sometimes I wish I was a better person, sometimes I'm told I'm an amazing person but I just can't believe it. Some people just know me for like 1 day and say I am an amazing person, but they don't know the whole background. Gets me thinking, do you need to know the whole background on somebody so you can judge them or do you just judge somebody on the present? Does anybody even care about the actions of my past or they just mind the actions of my present/near future?

I don't like the William I am becoming sometimes and I would like to just wipe him out.

Still, always remember, carpe the fucking diem. A

As long as I live, I will make you all remember me.

DAMN!

Holy shit, that was some rage moment I had in my last post. It helped, a lot actually. Calmed me down. But damn, I can go to some dark places in my head. I think I might be crazy but anyways, who's not these days? What's considered normal anymore? Do we want to be normal? I like my craziness, sometimes it gets too out of control but at least I'm trying to control it.

I have always been a master of disguise when it comes to hiding my real feelings, to hiding how I feel inside. After I shared this blog with some people that know me they were like, fuck, but you seem so happy all the time, but you're always a really positive person. Well, that's my costume I put on for them because I don't like to show my flaws to anybody that knows me. That's another big reason I started this, so I could release what I have inside without people judging me or well, without people knowing who to judge. I mean, a lot of you guys that read me don't even know my last name. Name is William and that's pretty much it. I'm trying to keep it in the down low as much as possible because I'm fucking tired of being judged. Maybe one day I'll say fuck it and publish everything or maybe I'll die and all of this will go with me.

And you guys know what. After opening up with friends about this blog, I realized I'm not the only one that thinks like this. Because let's be honest. Nobody likes to share his of her flaws with other people, we always want to show other people how cool we are, how bad asses we are. It's not like you meet somebody and first thing is like: Hey my name is William and I'm a complete wreck, nice to meet you, wanna be my friend? People would get fucking scared and run away. That's why psychologists and psychiatrists make money. They're getting paid to listen to all your problems, because everybody else likes to listen to nice things about your life and you don't need to pay them because they actually enjoy them. Nobody likes a whiner or somebody that complains all the time. I fucking hate to complain or whine but you know what, right now is the only fucking thing I can do and it's my blog so if you don't like it go fuck yourself. Am I trying to overcome all this? Totally. Everyday I try to better myself up in something, in any kind of way, mentally, physically, spiritually. Any way that will help me be a better person and that will help me accomplish what I want in my future.

So, fuck it, let's whine, let's complain but let's better ourselves up

Lets Carpe that fucking Diem.