Fuck it

Yeah fuck it, decided to open up a little bit more. Still will remain anonymous, it's mostly to don't hurt people.


https://www.facebook.com/captainmistakes

Fuck traveling like a local.

After a day of dealing with Thai people at the bus station, on a bus that was supposed to be at 8.30am that suddenly got cancelled, why? I don’t fucking know. But ended up on a minivan all the way to Trat that is like an hour away from the Cambodian border, right now I’m on another minivan from Trat to the border. Will I make it to Sihanoukville tonight? Fuck I don’t know, I don’t even know how you make it after crossing the border. 

I have like no money, don’t even know how I will pay for the ferry tomorrow, I’ll find a way, hopefully… I have good friends in Koh Rong and I’m sure they would never let me down. 

So, I crossed the border, sitting in a private taxi right now driven by a 20 year old Cambodian kid with 2 older ladies sitting in the back. So, yeah, the border. Thank god I have a diplomatic passport, instead of charging me $37 dollars I only paid $17 and they also gave me a 3 month visa, WTF Cambodia, you’re fucking awesome. Of course, after crossing the border, first of all it’s pouring down, so I wanted to hitchhike but it was 7pm when I crossed and raining so… nope. This taxi kid wanted $70 dollars, WTF, I ended up just paying $20. So at the end of the day I ended paying almost what you pay for the bus all the way from Sihanoukville to Bangkok but oh well, another crazy experience to tell. 

Bangkok was pretty fun though, I think this is the time I finally liked it. A couple different reasons, well I arrived on the train with really short money, then I hate asking for money but this beautiful dutch girl helped me with some and then I met up with my friend, well my “friend”. We met through tinder around 1 month and a half ago but we never met in person until when I arrived in Bangkok. Gorgeous Canadian girl that teaches english to kids and hates kids haha, oh and awesome in bed also, so I think that’s why I had such a good time. Stayed at her place, had an amazing time with her and then last night some friends from Mexico arrived so I got to see them, I don't know if I will see them again but we had a really fun night. Kinda regret it this morning because I was fucking hungover as hell on the minivans. Damn you 20 baht shots (less than a dollar). 

Well, tomorrow I should be back in Koh Rong, where it feels like “home”. Most of my friends are still there so I'm pretty excited about that. It’s rainy season but fuck it, I don't even have a phone, no camera anymore, just my computer and fuck no, it won't get wet. I'm fucking starving, this kid is playing awful Cambodian music and my headphones only work in one side haha. Thanks Canada… well, at least she gave me headphones, better these ones that only work in one side than the other ones that don't even work.

I've been thinking a lot these last couple weeks that I think I’m almost done with traveling, would like to settle somewhere for a while and learn something, like university or get a good job somewhere else. I'm not going back to the States or Mexico, fuck that. 

So, I need to figure out a plan. There’s a couple options so need to pick one but also I'm meeting somebody really special in less than a month so we'll see how things go with her. That’s pretty much the only “appointment” I have right now. Really looking forward to it but also a little bit scared. I think I learned my lesson, be completely fucking honest since the moment that you feel something different with somebody. Fuck it. I'm pretty honest with everybody else but not a lot with girls because I don't want to hurt them. 

Made to Sihanoukville, high as fuck because some Israelis. And sleeping in a hostel, I hate hostels but actually this bed is pretty comfortable. Still, I want to sleep naked.

Living in “Paradise”?

So, through my travels now I've decided, well, kinda had to stay in this island in Cambodia, Koh Rong is the name. I’m working in a bar, again, yeah I know. That’s the reason I had to leave Vang Vieng but trust me I was drinking a lot more there than here and here you actually have regular shifts at the bar, you can only have so many drinks so it’s a lot more controlled. I'll be saving some money, living in an island that’s so far by now the most beautiful place I've ever seen, meeting so many people, especially girls. I don’t know, my big question is will this be good? To settle down for some time? I was able to do it at Pai in Thailand but it was different because there’s a lot more stuff to do there so I kept myself busy over there, here there’s not a lot to do but lay on the beach, go swimming and that’s pretty much it unless you want to spend money on boat trips and things like that. Well, yesterday was my first day working so we'll see how it goes after a couple days.

Gotta get out.

I've been in this town, Vang Vieng, for 10 days now. I think I became an alcoholic here. Last night while I was helping out in the bar I just realized how much I hated that scene. It's fun a couple times but not when it starts dragging you down. Waking up not knowing what happened. Feeling like shit everyday.

I mean, not everything was bad. I met some amazing people while being here. People I will never forget but also I met some people that I just want to forget and never see again.

I wanted to write a longer post but I'm just not feeling it. Ready to leave this town and meet up with some amazing friends.

Also, I'm meeting somebody, hopefully, in a couple months and I'm super excited to travel Vietnam with her. She is just a lovely amazing person.

I'm back, sadder and lonelier.

So, yeah, I decided to get back on the writing train. Got myself a single room so I could get more focus on myself, so I could feel the loneliness aching my bones, the reality hitting me. I talked to a friend today, somebody I consider by now a really good friend. I was really hurting, suffering from a person that left my side. Somebody I got too attached, somebody whom I fell "in love" too fast, if love is a true thing. Well, anyhow, what he told me is that I'm not going to be a one girl person, I have too much passion to give, that I have to accept it, I can't change it. I just have to accept it and endure it. He said that I just can't change who I am, that there is a lot of passion in me, I think finally somebody got me. Not trying to be cocky and saying I'm such a passionate person but just looking at myself at the mirror right now makes me realize I am.


So, update? I'm in Lao, was travelling with another dutch girl that just kinda broke me a little bit, it always happens, I'll get back, you guys know how I am. I got a broken collarbone by the way, it'll either fix itself or I'll fix it later. Got a bunch of suicidal thoughts in my head the other day and that's something I discussed with my friend today as well. Pretty much he made me realize that I'm not the crazy one, my mind is. You should think: "but you're your mind", I thought the same thing when he told me but no, the part of my mind that thinks about killing myself, about failure, about being a jerk, an asshole; it's completely a different part than the one that I'm using whilst writing all this. Is the scary part, is the part that I'm alone with mostly at nights, that's why I normally need the heat of a woman at night. I don't want girls for sex, yeah, that's what I tell myself, I want a hot chick to bang her, but no, not really, I want a girl for the company because I'm scared to be alone. What happens when I'm alone? Inspiration comes through, suicidal thoughts become harder and stronger than ever and that's when I get to know myself.

Sometimes I wish I was a better person, sometimes I'm told I'm an amazing person but I just can't believe it. Some people just know me for like 1 day and say I am an amazing person, but they don't know the whole background. Gets me thinking, do you need to know the whole background on somebody so you can judge them or do you just judge somebody on the present? Does anybody even care about the actions of my past or they just mind the actions of my present/near future?

I don't like the William I am becoming sometimes and I would like to just wipe him out.

Still, always remember, carpe the fucking diem. A

As long as I live, I will make you all remember me.