Done Sir Done.

I’m done with all these stupid theories in my head, it’s giving me headaches and causing trouble in my life. I need to chill and cool down and focus for a better future. I’m in the new land of the dreams. If a chubby guy from “‘Murrica” can make it here really good then I can as well and even better. Watch me.

I need to learn from her, she knows how to chill the demons in her head. They say that instead of getting rid of your demons you should find somebody that their demons play along with yours and also, keep your friends close but your enemies closer. So, her demons like to fight with mine and have fun with them as well.

I just need some time off the city to wind off and chill. I’m not running away from this city, as I did from a lot of places in my travels. I’m staying here and I’m going to make the best of it.

Smile people, please, a freaking smile costs nothing.

And Carpe the fucking Diem

www.facebook.com/captainmistakes

Breaking hearts, burning bridges, going down. Repeat.

Repeat, repeat. Why am I afraid of letting someone love me? Why when finally somebody cares about me I want to just run away and I get scared.

I need to learn to love myself first before loving or loving somebody else and I'm also scared of sharing everything. I'm scared of opening up.

Yeah, I was so positive about it a couple days ago and now I just want to run away. I'm scared to death being honest. Still, I think it's better to break it off right now than to just pretend nothing is going through my head and make it a lot harder later.

Damn you travels, damn you life but still if life was easy and dull what would be the point of living it?

Life always goes on.

She's going on her way and I don't know what I'm doing. English teacher in Hanoi? Meeting up friends down south? I hate decisions.


Carpe the fucking diem. And smile, please smile.

www.facebook.com/captainmistakes

Answers.

Last day, last couple hours. I don't even know if I'm coming back or not. Fuck. I feel hungover as shit, stitches are off so I guess that’s good. It’s time to move. Can’t handle this island anymore. It’s becoming just a drinking place, getting wasted everyday. 

It’s not fun when it becomes a lifestyle and it has gotten me a lot of times before. 

I don’t know what to do, where to go. The only thing I know it is that I made a promise and I’m really looking forward to seeing her. Even though it kinda scares me how things will turn out when we see each other. But I’m being positive and really looking forward to it. 

This hangover has been the worst one ever in this travels. Haven’t had one like this in years. Just had the first food of all day. Puking my guts out all day. Laying in bed on the other side already missing so much everybody but have to move forward just like everybody there will. 

Are we supposed to know what we want in life? Why is it so hard to don’t have a direction? Is there supposed to be answers to all this questions? 


Please smile, I always try to even if I feel like shit inside. At least you could make someone's day.


https://www.facebook.com/captainmistakes

Fucking lessons.

I'm listening to the same song that Swedish girl I met in Bali told me about, touch me I'm going to scream part II, by My Morning Jacket. I love that song. Might be because it’s so downer or depressing, I don't fucking know. Whatever. I can’t fucking learn my lesson. 

Keep falling for the same kind of girls. Why the fuck I crave affection so bad. Why the fuck I want to be hold, fall asleep next to a girl, cuddling her, hugging her, feeling her. Why? Why? 

It’s 11.06pm, did a booze cruise today and instead of it being a happy history I’m actually not happy about it. Had a good time, drank lots of alcohol and saw beautiful beaches. The thing is like I did with “friends” people that probably won’t remember or care about me as soon as they go back to their countries. That’s why it’s really hard to make friends traveling, you don’t really know if they’re friends for life because that’s what they normally say. Yeah man, I’ll be there for you forever. What does that even mean? 

Fuck everything. 

I just really hope the Welsh girl is by my side when I wake up. She’s fucking adorable but still, feelings in public, oh no. Cares too much about what other people think. 

My wound is almost healed up by the way in case anybody is wondering. 

Carpe diem I guess...

https://www.facebook.com/captainmistakes

Would you date yourself?

I just read an article with that title, would I date myself? I don't know, I don't really know. I mean I'm a nice guy, I treat women with all the respect in the world. I pay for dinner or movie tickets or whatever. But I do have dark issues. I'm not happy with my life. So, I don't know, some girls tell me I'm a good catch but I don't like those girls, maybe because they're too nice to me. And here we go back to the whole thing about me liking girls that treat me like crap.

My ex apparently is seeing somebody else. That's good because that will finally help me to get over her, her late texts saying I miss you were just killing me softly. I do want to keep in touch with her just because of the crazy things we did and the bond we created.

So, this week, I'll be buying my ticket to Thailand. I can't believe I'm doing this. One way ticket. This is going to be a crazy experience. I've been thinking about ways I can make money when I'm over there and I'm thinking about starting a website. Talking about travel experiences, about everything. Just documenting my day to day living in different countries.

I've been trying to be happy by myself and it's so hard. I hate being alone with my own thoughts and feelings, they scare the fuck out of me. Oh, I also twisted my fucking ankle yesterday at a music festival, so there goes my happiness, working out makes me happy and I'm here with a twisted ankle, oh well, at least it's not broken like the last time.

Am I getting better?

So, just like my psychologist said yesterday, what a big change. Now that I see it, these last two weeks have been like a rollercoaster of everything. I'm really happy some days and other days I'm not but lately I've been keeping myself busy and, oh my fucking god, that helps a lot. I started working yesterday, service industry sucks, wanted to choke a couple persons but I just laughed about it in my head, I guess that's better right? Had a good interview yesterday morning as well, and oh well, things are looking positive and I start to see finally a light at the end of the tunnel.

Also, my psychologist said, that I like women that treat me like shit, guess it all comes with the adrenaline junkie that I am. I don't enjoy easy things, I like to feel the thrill and the adrenaline of everything. Of women making me chase them. Keeping me on my toes, making me call them and not them calling me. I mean I enjoy when they're nice and treat me back good but if it becomes too easy I get bored and want to follow on. Guess that is what happened in the military as well, it was becoming too easy, I started getting bored, didn't see anywhere to grow up or anything.

I like to learn, I like to improve myself every day. I wish I had more tools aka money to do it. Anybody want to sponsor me getting a skydiving license? I promise you, you'll jump for free with me for the rest of your life or well, being more realistic, for the rest of mine. The way that I live life I don't think I will make it too long in this world but also I like that. I don't want to end up in a foster home, not being able to do my workouts, not being able to do everything by myself. Do you want somebody wiping your ass? Unless it's my life partner maybe, and that is still a maybe.  Also, something that motivated me was this quote: "It never gets easier, you just get better". I'm probably getting better at dealing with life issues, at dealing with myself, at realizing I don't have it easy but I will find a way to make it easy and kick ass. Because you know what, I have the fucking motivation, I know what I want, I'm working on the means to achieve it and I'll make it.

Oh, I also think I'm a narcissist and I blame it on my mother. Is that also narcissist on my part? And also I just did one of those online quiz, I got 34, out of 40. If you get above 20 you're a narcissist, so there you go. I mean, I care about other people, especially about her. I care more about her than I care about myself because I feel when she's happy I'm happy.

I suck at moving on.

Have a nice fucking weekend.

And here it goes again, remember, it doesn't get easier, you just get better.

I need this.

I need to push myself. I need to keep going. I need to be positive. I need to be happy. Let's rephrase that. I need to try to be happy. Fake it till you make it right? There's no other way to do it. If I keep pretending to be happy I'll end up being happy one day right? Or what if not? Well, there's no other way to find out than to try it out. I have to surround myself with happy people. With people that care about me. That want the best of me. I know I have people like that in my life. The problem is: They're not fucking here around me. How are some people happy by themselves?

I have never been a loner, I love to be surrounded by people, I love to give them advice on how they can better their lives. On how amazing they're or how amazing they can be. But when it comes to giving advice to myself it's so fucking hard. It's a fucking struggle.

Your own life it's like a fucking balance, when everything in your life it's going great, you're happy. When something it's fucked up, I feel everything else comes down.

I do curse a lot. Mmm.. fuck it. It relieves my stress. Fucking cunts. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

You all have a nice fucking day. Fuck you all.