I'm back, sadder and lonelier.

So, yeah, I decided to get back on the writing train. Got myself a single room so I could get more focus on myself, so I could feel the loneliness aching my bones, the reality hitting me. I talked to a friend today, somebody I consider by now a really good friend. I was really hurting, suffering from a person that left my side. Somebody I got too attached, somebody whom I fell "in love" too fast, if love is a true thing. Well, anyhow, what he told me is that I'm not going to be a one girl person, I have too much passion to give, that I have to accept it, I can't change it. I just have to accept it and endure it. He said that I just can't change who I am, that there is a lot of passion in me, I think finally somebody got me. Not trying to be cocky and saying I'm such a passionate person but just looking at myself at the mirror right now makes me realize I am.


So, update? I'm in Lao, was travelling with another dutch girl that just kinda broke me a little bit, it always happens, I'll get back, you guys know how I am. I got a broken collarbone by the way, it'll either fix itself or I'll fix it later. Got a bunch of suicidal thoughts in my head the other day and that's something I discussed with my friend today as well. Pretty much he made me realize that I'm not the crazy one, my mind is. You should think: "but you're your mind", I thought the same thing when he told me but no, the part of my mind that thinks about killing myself, about failure, about being a jerk, an asshole; it's completely a different part than the one that I'm using whilst writing all this. Is the scary part, is the part that I'm alone with mostly at nights, that's why I normally need the heat of a woman at night. I don't want girls for sex, yeah, that's what I tell myself, I want a hot chick to bang her, but no, not really, I want a girl for the company because I'm scared to be alone. What happens when I'm alone? Inspiration comes through, suicidal thoughts become harder and stronger than ever and that's when I get to know myself.

Sometimes I wish I was a better person, sometimes I'm told I'm an amazing person but I just can't believe it. Some people just know me for like 1 day and say I am an amazing person, but they don't know the whole background. Gets me thinking, do you need to know the whole background on somebody so you can judge them or do you just judge somebody on the present? Does anybody even care about the actions of my past or they just mind the actions of my present/near future?

I don't like the William I am becoming sometimes and I would like to just wipe him out.

Still, always remember, carpe the fucking diem. A

As long as I live, I will make you all remember me.