Enjoy.

I'm lying next to her, she's a beautiful mess. Aren't we all? I'm pretty stoned and a little bit sick because of all the free alcohol this city has to offer. I love it here. I fell in love with this city, it has taken my heart and if I don't stop it, my body as well. I want to settle here for a couple months, have what you called a "regular life" but at least stop drinking everyday, help the locals someway, teach them english, manners, education in anything, sex, drugs, alcohol.

She has been sucked by this city as well, I just don't want to end up drinking like she does. Or working in the same environment with the same kind of people, backpackers that found it was easy to stay here and get drunk every night. Literally, at your job interviews they tell you to don't get too fucked up but it's still like considered normal. I don't want that, I don't want to show up to teach kids all hungover, that would just be irresponsible from my part, teaching them all the bad ways we are in the western world.

Anyway, I just wanted to share some thoughts.

Smile people, smile. Get interest in other people's lives, you might make their day.

Carpe the fucking diem.

https://www.facebook.com/captainmistakes

Fuck it

Yeah fuck it, decided to open up a little bit more. Still will remain anonymous, it's mostly to don't hurt people.


https://www.facebook.com/captainmistakes

Again seriously?

it’s 10-17 AM, I’m laying in bed, almost unable to use my right arm, WTF happened last night, I can remember most of it, I have around 15 to 17 stitches in my chest, I feel that I’m in really still strong pain killers. I remember I was in the bar on my way to the restroom to pee and then I suddenly felt into the ocean, I don’t know if I cut myself with a wooden board or with the boat propellers, after that my friends pulled me out of the water and suddenly I was in the island nursery surrounded by my friends, nurses, doctors, police, military, the owner of the bar where I “work”, the sweet khmer boy that works with us, blood all over me, shaking like crazy, they start stitching me up, it hurts like crazy. I can handle pain very well, physical pain but this was mostly a pain of if I want to be there and alive or I would’ve prefer to just died in the water at the moment I fell down. Cops start asking questions, what happened, somebody pushed you? How did you end up like this? Where’s your passport? What’s your passport number? Fuck them. I’ll help the people that’s trying to help me, the paramedics, the doctors, especially most of all my friends, One of them came to check on me and ask me if I needed some food and brought me some. Keeps impressing me that a lot of people that care about you it’s not people you grew up with, it’s people that you have only spend hours, days, weeks, months with them and that’s it. They’ll help you in whatever way they can. It’s an international family.

I wish I was dead right now and didn't have to deal with all that’s coming from this. At least I got this girl to look forward to, 19 days and we will be together. I just don't want to fuck it up. And then after her what? She will be gone back to The Netherlands and what will I do? What if it doesn’t work? Why am I so stupid and fucked up that I can’t never learn from my mistakes and keep running away from them. 

I wish this was a fucking novel but no, it’s my real life, it’s what I deal with everyday. I’m an alcoholic, addicted to women, to drugs, to pushing my body to the limit. 

I do have friends, they’re figuring out a way of helping me out of this one, they're sending me to the mainland tomorrow to a proper hospital so I can get real stitches, not fucking fishing cord.

One of them is in the corner of my bed cutting MDMA so we can sell and make some money to pay for whatever the medical bills will be. I have to stop with this death wish I think I have. 

Analyze

I’m back. Back in fucking Koh Rong. Staying in the same place I did before. Mostly everybody is gone or about to leave, why am I staying? Well, I met this English girl… yeah I said no more English girls but this one is different, I hope so. I really do. I like her. She like fills me up. I get just like this sense that you all call happiness every-time I see her. I love her. 

Am I fucked up? Like do I have issues in my head for real or is this normal for everybody my age that travels. Like I’ve met so many travelers that have the same problems like me. 

How fast can you tell somebody you love them? I’ve only know her for like 2 days and my feelings for her are crazy. I crave her, I want her, I’m in love with her. 

I should stop sharing this. I think it’s hurting people because I’m so honest. 

Wrote this high and drunk. 

Highness.

I wrote this about 4 days ago, I was debating about posting or not but fuck it.

It was one of the last nights in Koh Rong, until I come back of course.

Enjoy my highness:

Lets see how this goes; I’m pretty high on a lot of drugs at this moment with a cigarette in my mouth. Ketamine, MDMA, Weed, alcohol. I'm totally sure if there had been more drugs around I would’ve taken them. Am I a drug addict or just somebody that’s travelling and experiencing new stuff?

It’s been what? A month? Two? Three? This island is amazing, you create like a little family, one that actually cares more about you than the one you have back “home”. Everybody might be drunk or fucked on drugs most of the time but at least in a little part of their brain you are part of them.

This is fucking awesome; I'm literally sitting on the floor in my room whilst my Canadian and the New Yorker are passed out in my bed.

What the fuck am I listening to? Oh Led Zeppelin, now I see why you were so big. It’s fucking awesome music when you're high.

I always get asked if I’m going back home, that’s a hard question. I don't fucking know where home is. It’s a little bit sad, yeah, it is. Most of you are used to seeing your parents, close friends, siblings, like pretty often. I’m not. I don't even know if my older siblings consider me a sibling, like if somebody asks them how many siblings they got if they would consider me or how do they mention me.

Fuck that sad shit. I just saw the fucking sunrise in a beautiful island in Cambodia surrounded by fucked up people just like me. People that are running away from shit from their countries. There’s a reason why like jobs in places like this and why we agree to get paid with accommodation, food and the big one that’s the big spender for us: ALCOHOL. Or drugs, they pay with weed in some places but still that’s how they keep us.

I was talking to a girl today and it literally felt like I was in the book 1984 and she was part of the proles, because that’s how close minded she was.

Mushrooms

 Well, I haven’t written anything since like a month or something like that when I was still in Thailand, starting this backpacking trip. Well, now it’s been 2 months travelling and guess what… I haven’t found happiness. I have started to believe that happiness is not real. Is totally a myth of how your body feels?

I'm high on shrooms and it feels amazing.

That’s how I started my post the other day when I first tried mushrooms for the first time. Yesterday I did them as well and it felt amazing. At first I was kinda freaked out but then I just gave up on my feeling to control everything around me and just started enjoying everything. My body, my tact, everything around me. It’s actually pretty cool.

Well, trip update, I’m in northern Sumatra, Indonesia, been travelling here for around 3 weeks and I love this place. Fucking visa is only good here for 1 month and hopefully I can extend it for another one. I’m in Lake Toba right now; amazing place super chill and pretty cool people, well being honest, Indonesian people so far are pretty amazing. Trying to decide where I’m going after here, probably Bali for new years to meet with a friend.

Feelings, how have I been feeling lately? I guess cool, sometimes I think a lot about all the shit back in the states but I think I stopped caring and just letting it flow.

Deuces!

Are all men created equal?

Are we all men created equal? Or what defines us? Pretty much I realize that under the effects of a mind modifying substance, whatever it is that you like, we all act the same, react the same ways to certain circumstances, or at least that is how it used to be back when I was a teenager and we weren't so different from each others, at least the people I used to relate to.

After my travels around the world I discovered different people, different societies, and still we are pretty similar to each other under the effects of drugs, alcohol, or just the greatest and oldest drug of all time, women. 

Is it society that defines us? In my poor humble opinion I certainly think it is. I'm not the same I was when I was a teenager, somedays I wish I could go back to those days, but then I think about all the knowledge and experience I've gathered and it would be the dumbest decision to change anything I have lived, of course I have made mistakes, who hasn't, but I try to learn from them, some of them I've totally learned from them, others I keep making them all the time. I guess it's because I haven't learned enough from that mistake.

Just like today, I went running with my significant other, she was kinda moody for a couple reasons, one of them was: "I can't find a good playlist to run", first thing that come to my mind is, are you serious? #firstworldproblems but then anyways we kept going she got moody again, I said fuck it and started running by myself, seconds afterwards she calls me, I wasn't going to answer, but I decided to put my guard down, why? Before I would've said fuck this, but then I realized listening to your brain is good but sometimes you actually have to listen to your heart, that's all I have done with her and I have never been so happy in my life.

Anxiety attacks have been getting worse lately, just the fact about leaving this town and being so far away from her scare me, starting a new life, I always get this crazy anxiety every time I would do a big change in my life, and trust me, I've done quite a few. I'll tell you all about them later on. 

So, well, what I'm saying is, are we all sentimental underneath everything else? Do we put on a mask sometimes to show another person of what we really feel? I'll talk about that later.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.