Would you date yourself?

I just read an article with that title, would I date myself? I don't know, I don't really know. I mean I'm a nice guy, I treat women with all the respect in the world. I pay for dinner or movie tickets or whatever. But I do have dark issues. I'm not happy with my life. So, I don't know, some girls tell me I'm a good catch but I don't like those girls, maybe because they're too nice to me. And here we go back to the whole thing about me liking girls that treat me like crap.

My ex apparently is seeing somebody else. That's good because that will finally help me to get over her, her late texts saying I miss you were just killing me softly. I do want to keep in touch with her just because of the crazy things we did and the bond we created.

So, this week, I'll be buying my ticket to Thailand. I can't believe I'm doing this. One way ticket. This is going to be a crazy experience. I've been thinking about ways I can make money when I'm over there and I'm thinking about starting a website. Talking about travel experiences, about everything. Just documenting my day to day living in different countries.

I've been trying to be happy by myself and it's so hard. I hate being alone with my own thoughts and feelings, they scare the fuck out of me. Oh, I also twisted my fucking ankle yesterday at a music festival, so there goes my happiness, working out makes me happy and I'm here with a twisted ankle, oh well, at least it's not broken like the last time.

Am I getting better?

So, just like my psychologist said yesterday, what a big change. Now that I see it, these last two weeks have been like a rollercoaster of everything. I'm really happy some days and other days I'm not but lately I've been keeping myself busy and, oh my fucking god, that helps a lot. I started working yesterday, service industry sucks, wanted to choke a couple persons but I just laughed about it in my head, I guess that's better right? Had a good interview yesterday morning as well, and oh well, things are looking positive and I start to see finally a light at the end of the tunnel.

Also, my psychologist said, that I like women that treat me like shit, guess it all comes with the adrenaline junkie that I am. I don't enjoy easy things, I like to feel the thrill and the adrenaline of everything. Of women making me chase them. Keeping me on my toes, making me call them and not them calling me. I mean I enjoy when they're nice and treat me back good but if it becomes too easy I get bored and want to follow on. Guess that is what happened in the military as well, it was becoming too easy, I started getting bored, didn't see anywhere to grow up or anything.

I like to learn, I like to improve myself every day. I wish I had more tools aka money to do it. Anybody want to sponsor me getting a skydiving license? I promise you, you'll jump for free with me for the rest of your life or well, being more realistic, for the rest of mine. The way that I live life I don't think I will make it too long in this world but also I like that. I don't want to end up in a foster home, not being able to do my workouts, not being able to do everything by myself. Do you want somebody wiping your ass? Unless it's my life partner maybe, and that is still a maybe.  Also, something that motivated me was this quote: "It never gets easier, you just get better". I'm probably getting better at dealing with life issues, at dealing with myself, at realizing I don't have it easy but I will find a way to make it easy and kick ass. Because you know what, I have the fucking motivation, I know what I want, I'm working on the means to achieve it and I'll make it.

Oh, I also think I'm a narcissist and I blame it on my mother. Is that also narcissist on my part? And also I just did one of those online quiz, I got 34, out of 40. If you get above 20 you're a narcissist, so there you go. I mean, I care about other people, especially about her. I care more about her than I care about myself because I feel when she's happy I'm happy.

I suck at moving on.

Have a nice fucking weekend.

And here it goes again, remember, it doesn't get easier, you just get better.

I hate my life.

I  hate  women.  Yeah,  I  totally  do,  they’re  totally  bitches,  they  brainwash  me  all  the  time.  All  my  problems  relate  to  them.  The  only  nice  women  in  my  life  have  been  my  mom  and  my  grandma  and  still  my  grandma’s  love  always  felt  conditional.  I  mean,  if  you  fucking  love  somebody  isn’t  it  supposed  to  be  unconditional?    And  then  after  you  pour  all  your  fucking  heart  out  all  you  get  in  response  is:  I  need  some  space.  Really?  Fucking  A.  Seriously?  The  worst  part  is  that  I  know  there  are  feelings  underneath  that  thick  skin.  Underneath  that  cold  ass  heart.  And  she’s  just  afraid  on  showing  them  off.  Why  is  it  so  hard  for  some  people  to  open  up?    Or  wait,  here’s  the  worse:  why  some  people  have  to  follow  what  society  mandates  them?  Like,  yeah  go  marry  a  guy  that’s  doing  great  with  his  life  right  now.  Doesn’t  matter  if  you  like  him  or  not.  Doesn’t  matter  if  he  treats  you  like  a  gentleman  or  not.    He’s  got  money  right?  That  should  solve  all  the  problems  right?  I  fucking  hate  this  society,  I  fucking  hate  the  world  we’re  living  in  right  now.  Her  mother  not  appreciating  somebody  for  how  he  treats  her  but  instead  of  what  he  has  to  offer.  I  agree  with  having  to  offer  a  good  life  to  somebody  but  at  the  same  time,  having  the  ambition  to  do  it  does  it  count?  If  I  haven’t  had  the  chances  to  do  it  but  still  want  to,  does  it  fucking  count?    I  HATE  MY  LIFE.  But  at  the  same  time  I  love  it.  Everyday  is  a  fucking  struggle.  I  love  this  girl.  I  will  do  anything  I  can  for  her.  And  I  will.  I  will  show  her  that.  I  will  kick  ass  for  her.  I  could  probably  find  somebody  like  her.  Maybe  better….  I  don’t  think  so.  Not  better  for  me.  Do  I  want  somebody  else?  Not  really.  I  want  her.  I  want  every  inch  of  her  body.  Her  lips.  Her  face.  Her  body.  Her  attitude.  Yeah  it’s  a  bitchy  ass  one  but  I  still  love  her  with  every  inch  of  my  body.    How  the  fuck  do  you  get  over  somebody  like  this?  Can  you?  If  her  and  me  don’t  work  in  the  end  will  I  ever  get  over  her?  I  don’t  want  to.  I’m  fucking  24  years  old  and  I’m  crazy  about  a  23-‐year-‐old  nurse.  It  should  be  the  other  way.  It  totally  should  be  the  other  way.  But  it’s  not,  who  defines  what  is  each  way  or  another in this life?

Are we ever meant to be happy and so... what's happiness?

Karma it is a bitch

Guess it could always be worse, she could be with somebody else and not with me. It is what it is, I guess this is what happens when two people spend so much time together, just like my grandma says: Even the best towers in the world need some space in-between if no they will collapse. I guess we have been together too long, we just need some space apart, how will we be able to create that space between us if we’re traveling together? How can you accomplish space if you are actually in the same place traveling with somebody else? I guess this is a question for people doing like backpacking trips in couples. I remember traveling with just one friend, I would get tire of them. Why did she get tire of me and not me of her? Or maybe I will get tire of her later? I remember getting tired of my ex and running to my friends because I was just tired of spending time with her, I guess this is payback? Karma right? Fuckin-A, but oh well, I can just sit down here and cry and be a little bitch or try to make the best of it and spend it with her. The real test will be whenever she leaves and we will be apart for like 1,400 miles. That my friends, it’s the real test of love. Have you guys ever seen that picture or that saying that’s chinese or some Asian shit like that, that mentions that there is a red string keeping people together, fuck it let me google it. Got it, red string of fate and yeah it is fucking chinese, those guys have quotes and sayings for everything. Well this is what it says: The gods tie a red cord around the ankles of those that are to met one another in a certain situation or help each other in a certain way. The two people connected by the red thread are destined lovers, regardless of time, place, or circumstances. This magical cord  may stretch or tangle, but never break. So, is there a tie between her and me? Maybe, we will find out I guess. I mean, we met in really random situations. I was living with my friend, the alcoholic, and his wife, the housewife and he never goes to the pool of his apartment complex, so I convinced him and I saw her and thought she was really cute, well, I’m a guy, I thought she was hot and wanted to bang her. Yeah women, I’m an asshole, we only see you girls as pieces of meat. No, don’t be stupid, we don’t, but you have to like somebody physically before anything else, you need that desire, that passion, that feeling that I don’t know how to call but pretty much I wanted her to sit on my face. And then I got to meet her and I liked her more because of her personality, also she’s kinda bitchy, (only child and spoiled by her mother, go figure) not a big fan of that but oh well, I’m not Mr. Perfect right here. I have my flaws, I drink too much sometimes, stress a lot about every shit, criticize everybody and criticize myself a lot, feel like a fucking loser a lot of times. Oh, I cried today, in a public place, yeah, fucking pussy, but whatever, you all can fuck yourselves, I cried because of happiness, I never thought I could ever be this happy in my life and then I got scared because my happiness is because somebody else is in my life, why haven’t I been able to be this happy before just by myself? Maybe I have, but it’s a different kind of happiness, that accomplishment happiness, just when I did the ASVAB (test to join the United States Military) and I received the results, really high results, and I’m like what the fuck does this numbers mean and the lady is like well they’re really impressive high results and I’m like and? So what the fuck can I do? And she was like, son, you can join any military branch and do whatever job you fucking want. That’s accomplishment happiness, like when you score a test. Or make your girl cum a shit ton of times. Can we just be fucking happy and enjoy life? Smile, that’s all you need. FUCKING SMILE. Smile to everybody, you will make their day, or not? So what. You might prevent somebody from killing themselves. Sometimes all we need is a good hug to remind us there’s still hope.

Carpe fucking diem.

Are all men created equal?

Are we all men created equal? Or what defines us? Pretty much I realize that under the effects of a mind modifying substance, whatever it is that you like, we all act the same, react the same ways to certain circumstances, or at least that is how it used to be back when I was a teenager and we weren't so different from each others, at least the people I used to relate to.

After my travels around the world I discovered different people, different societies, and still we are pretty similar to each other under the effects of drugs, alcohol, or just the greatest and oldest drug of all time, women. 

Is it society that defines us? In my poor humble opinion I certainly think it is. I'm not the same I was when I was a teenager, somedays I wish I could go back to those days, but then I think about all the knowledge and experience I've gathered and it would be the dumbest decision to change anything I have lived, of course I have made mistakes, who hasn't, but I try to learn from them, some of them I've totally learned from them, others I keep making them all the time. I guess it's because I haven't learned enough from that mistake.

Just like today, I went running with my significant other, she was kinda moody for a couple reasons, one of them was: "I can't find a good playlist to run", first thing that come to my mind is, are you serious? #firstworldproblems but then anyways we kept going she got moody again, I said fuck it and started running by myself, seconds afterwards she calls me, I wasn't going to answer, but I decided to put my guard down, why? Before I would've said fuck this, but then I realized listening to your brain is good but sometimes you actually have to listen to your heart, that's all I have done with her and I have never been so happy in my life.

Anxiety attacks have been getting worse lately, just the fact about leaving this town and being so far away from her scare me, starting a new life, I always get this crazy anxiety every time I would do a big change in my life, and trust me, I've done quite a few. I'll tell you all about them later on. 

So, well, what I'm saying is, are we all sentimental underneath everything else? Do we put on a mask sometimes to show another person of what we really feel? I'll talk about that later.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

 

Another common day. At least for me.

Well, I just started this, always thought about opening a blog but I guess I never really had the balls, or time pretty much to do it. I was born outside this country, I'm white, brown hair, 5'10' and in good shape (I just separated the military so that comes with it), and I'm currently stranded in North Carolina, well, in Fayetteville to be exact, cuz I would love to be stranded anywhere else in North Carolina. This is probably one of the worst towns I've ever been in my life, and trust me, I've been all over the place.

I just met the most awesome girl I've met in my life, well in my short life I guess, I'm 24 by the way, but I don't know, I love her, at least that's what I keep telling myself, she makes me the happiest guy everyday or I think I am the happiest guy ever? See? So many questions, so few answers. That's my life story, always questioning everything, why this, why that? Why can't life be a lot more simple, just be happy, that's all I want, do I?

What did I do today? I woke up early, as usual, because the light on her room wakes me up and it's hard for me to sleep with sunshine in my eyes, so first thing I did was tried to cuddle her or well, lets be honest, tried to get her in the mood for morning sex, and as usual, didn't work, she just doesn't like morning sex, I don't understand why, who doesn't likes morning sex? Or maybe I like it too much?


I'M JUST ANOTHER WEIRD GUY.

AM I?....