Awake. Again.

As I was trying to wake up this morning, still drunk from yesterday, I finally understood what a friend was explaining to me the other day. I realized how my mind was trying to fuck me over, realize that I'm not my mind. My mind likes to have these crazy thoughts, deep and bad feelings over me. Making me feel like shit. Then I just said, fuck you, I'm not these feelings, I'm a happy person, or at least I try to be one. You can't control me.

I think we can recount more when we feel sad that when we feel happy or pretend to be happy because it's easier to remember sad moments. Well at least for me. And I don't really think that happiness is something real. It's just a mix of chemical emotions inside yourself that make you feel great and high.

I have to stop drinking so much, I'm just doing really stupid stuff everytime I do it. The party scene is going to kill me slowly. The so many "fuck its" I say and do are just going to end up destroying me, if they're not already doing it.

You're supposed to enjoy the moment, don't regret the past and don't focus in the future but if I don't focus in my future right now, there won't be one later.

Sometimes I think, who am I writing for? For the people I know that reads me? For myself? For my mind? I really think that I just do it for myself, I don't really care who reads me because if I did my writing would change a lot.

What do I need to get my life together? What does it mean getting your life together? Doing what my family wants me to do? Or what I want to do? If so, what do I want to do with my life?

You guys don't have a single clue how hard it's sometimes to press the publish button, I scroll through other pages, think about twice if I want to share this and then I just click it.

Carpe Diem.

I'm back, sadder and lonelier.

So, yeah, I decided to get back on the writing train. Got myself a single room so I could get more focus on myself, so I could feel the loneliness aching my bones, the reality hitting me. I talked to a friend today, somebody I consider by now a really good friend. I was really hurting, suffering from a person that left my side. Somebody I got too attached, somebody whom I fell "in love" too fast, if love is a true thing. Well, anyhow, what he told me is that I'm not going to be a one girl person, I have too much passion to give, that I have to accept it, I can't change it. I just have to accept it and endure it. He said that I just can't change who I am, that there is a lot of passion in me, I think finally somebody got me. Not trying to be cocky and saying I'm such a passionate person but just looking at myself at the mirror right now makes me realize I am.


So, update? I'm in Lao, was travelling with another dutch girl that just kinda broke me a little bit, it always happens, I'll get back, you guys know how I am. I got a broken collarbone by the way, it'll either fix itself or I'll fix it later. Got a bunch of suicidal thoughts in my head the other day and that's something I discussed with my friend today as well. Pretty much he made me realize that I'm not the crazy one, my mind is. You should think: "but you're your mind", I thought the same thing when he told me but no, the part of my mind that thinks about killing myself, about failure, about being a jerk, an asshole; it's completely a different part than the one that I'm using whilst writing all this. Is the scary part, is the part that I'm alone with mostly at nights, that's why I normally need the heat of a woman at night. I don't want girls for sex, yeah, that's what I tell myself, I want a hot chick to bang her, but no, not really, I want a girl for the company because I'm scared to be alone. What happens when I'm alone? Inspiration comes through, suicidal thoughts become harder and stronger than ever and that's when I get to know myself.

Sometimes I wish I was a better person, sometimes I'm told I'm an amazing person but I just can't believe it. Some people just know me for like 1 day and say I am an amazing person, but they don't know the whole background. Gets me thinking, do you need to know the whole background on somebody so you can judge them or do you just judge somebody on the present? Does anybody even care about the actions of my past or they just mind the actions of my present/near future?

I don't like the William I am becoming sometimes and I would like to just wipe him out.

Still, always remember, carpe the fucking diem. A

As long as I live, I will make you all remember me.