Would you date yourself?

I just read an article with that title, would I date myself? I don't know, I don't really know. I mean I'm a nice guy, I treat women with all the respect in the world. I pay for dinner or movie tickets or whatever. But I do have dark issues. I'm not happy with my life. So, I don't know, some girls tell me I'm a good catch but I don't like those girls, maybe because they're too nice to me. And here we go back to the whole thing about me liking girls that treat me like crap.

My ex apparently is seeing somebody else. That's good because that will finally help me to get over her, her late texts saying I miss you were just killing me softly. I do want to keep in touch with her just because of the crazy things we did and the bond we created.

So, this week, I'll be buying my ticket to Thailand. I can't believe I'm doing this. One way ticket. This is going to be a crazy experience. I've been thinking about ways I can make money when I'm over there and I'm thinking about starting a website. Talking about travel experiences, about everything. Just documenting my day to day living in different countries.

I've been trying to be happy by myself and it's so hard. I hate being alone with my own thoughts and feelings, they scare the fuck out of me. Oh, I also twisted my fucking ankle yesterday at a music festival, so there goes my happiness, working out makes me happy and I'm here with a twisted ankle, oh well, at least it's not broken like the last time.

Well, I'm still alive.

Anxiety, fucking anxiety, that is what kills me everyday. I mean I'm getting stuff done, working out, working towards my goals. I just wish I could do it faster. Already got all the transcripts in order. Got a job, about to move into a new place. I just have this crazy anxiety in me.

I still miss her and care about her but I'm more calm now. I mean, I'm 24, why the hell do I want to be stuck in a long distance relationship? It's just a waste of time. I'm a good looking guy, I should be having fun instead of being stuck on a long distance relationship. Also, with all the TCU girls around here.

I don't have a lot to say, I'm just having a lot of anxiety today. I need a hug.

Am I getting better?

So, just like my psychologist said yesterday, what a big change. Now that I see it, these last two weeks have been like a rollercoaster of everything. I'm really happy some days and other days I'm not but lately I've been keeping myself busy and, oh my fucking god, that helps a lot. I started working yesterday, service industry sucks, wanted to choke a couple persons but I just laughed about it in my head, I guess that's better right? Had a good interview yesterday morning as well, and oh well, things are looking positive and I start to see finally a light at the end of the tunnel.

Also, my psychologist said, that I like women that treat me like shit, guess it all comes with the adrenaline junkie that I am. I don't enjoy easy things, I like to feel the thrill and the adrenaline of everything. Of women making me chase them. Keeping me on my toes, making me call them and not them calling me. I mean I enjoy when they're nice and treat me back good but if it becomes too easy I get bored and want to follow on. Guess that is what happened in the military as well, it was becoming too easy, I started getting bored, didn't see anywhere to grow up or anything.

I like to learn, I like to improve myself every day. I wish I had more tools aka money to do it. Anybody want to sponsor me getting a skydiving license? I promise you, you'll jump for free with me for the rest of your life or well, being more realistic, for the rest of mine. The way that I live life I don't think I will make it too long in this world but also I like that. I don't want to end up in a foster home, not being able to do my workouts, not being able to do everything by myself. Do you want somebody wiping your ass? Unless it's my life partner maybe, and that is still a maybe.  Also, something that motivated me was this quote: "It never gets easier, you just get better". I'm probably getting better at dealing with life issues, at dealing with myself, at realizing I don't have it easy but I will find a way to make it easy and kick ass. Because you know what, I have the fucking motivation, I know what I want, I'm working on the means to achieve it and I'll make it.

Oh, I also think I'm a narcissist and I blame it on my mother. Is that also narcissist on my part? And also I just did one of those online quiz, I got 34, out of 40. If you get above 20 you're a narcissist, so there you go. I mean, I care about other people, especially about her. I care more about her than I care about myself because I feel when she's happy I'm happy.

I suck at moving on.

Have a nice fucking weekend.

And here it goes again, remember, it doesn't get easier, you just get better.

DAMN!

Holy shit, that was some rage moment I had in my last post. It helped, a lot actually. Calmed me down. But damn, I can go to some dark places in my head. I think I might be crazy but anyways, who's not these days? What's considered normal anymore? Do we want to be normal? I like my craziness, sometimes it gets too out of control but at least I'm trying to control it.

I have always been a master of disguise when it comes to hiding my real feelings, to hiding how I feel inside. After I shared this blog with some people that know me they were like, fuck, but you seem so happy all the time, but you're always a really positive person. Well, that's my costume I put on for them because I don't like to show my flaws to anybody that knows me. That's another big reason I started this, so I could release what I have inside without people judging me or well, without people knowing who to judge. I mean, a lot of you guys that read me don't even know my last name. Name is William and that's pretty much it. I'm trying to keep it in the down low as much as possible because I'm fucking tired of being judged. Maybe one day I'll say fuck it and publish everything or maybe I'll die and all of this will go with me.

And you guys know what. After opening up with friends about this blog, I realized I'm not the only one that thinks like this. Because let's be honest. Nobody likes to share his of her flaws with other people, we always want to show other people how cool we are, how bad asses we are. It's not like you meet somebody and first thing is like: Hey my name is William and I'm a complete wreck, nice to meet you, wanna be my friend? People would get fucking scared and run away. That's why psychologists and psychiatrists make money. They're getting paid to listen to all your problems, because everybody else likes to listen to nice things about your life and you don't need to pay them because they actually enjoy them. Nobody likes a whiner or somebody that complains all the time. I fucking hate to complain or whine but you know what, right now is the only fucking thing I can do and it's my blog so if you don't like it go fuck yourself. Am I trying to overcome all this? Totally. Everyday I try to better myself up in something, in any kind of way, mentally, physically, spiritually. Any way that will help me be a better person and that will help me accomplish what I want in my future.

So, fuck it, let's whine, let's complain but let's better ourselves up

Lets Carpe that fucking Diem.