Fuck traveling like a local.

After a day of dealing with Thai people at the bus station, on a bus that was supposed to be at 8.30am that suddenly got cancelled, why? I don’t fucking know. But ended up on a minivan all the way to Trat that is like an hour away from the Cambodian border, right now I’m on another minivan from Trat to the border. Will I make it to Sihanoukville tonight? Fuck I don’t know, I don’t even know how you make it after crossing the border. 

I have like no money, don’t even know how I will pay for the ferry tomorrow, I’ll find a way, hopefully… I have good friends in Koh Rong and I’m sure they would never let me down. 

So, I crossed the border, sitting in a private taxi right now driven by a 20 year old Cambodian kid with 2 older ladies sitting in the back. So, yeah, the border. Thank god I have a diplomatic passport, instead of charging me $37 dollars I only paid $17 and they also gave me a 3 month visa, WTF Cambodia, you’re fucking awesome. Of course, after crossing the border, first of all it’s pouring down, so I wanted to hitchhike but it was 7pm when I crossed and raining so… nope. This taxi kid wanted $70 dollars, WTF, I ended up just paying $20. So at the end of the day I ended paying almost what you pay for the bus all the way from Sihanoukville to Bangkok but oh well, another crazy experience to tell. 

Bangkok was pretty fun though, I think this is the time I finally liked it. A couple different reasons, well I arrived on the train with really short money, then I hate asking for money but this beautiful dutch girl helped me with some and then I met up with my friend, well my “friend”. We met through tinder around 1 month and a half ago but we never met in person until when I arrived in Bangkok. Gorgeous Canadian girl that teaches english to kids and hates kids haha, oh and awesome in bed also, so I think that’s why I had such a good time. Stayed at her place, had an amazing time with her and then last night some friends from Mexico arrived so I got to see them, I don't know if I will see them again but we had a really fun night. Kinda regret it this morning because I was fucking hungover as hell on the minivans. Damn you 20 baht shots (less than a dollar). 

Well, tomorrow I should be back in Koh Rong, where it feels like “home”. Most of my friends are still there so I'm pretty excited about that. It’s rainy season but fuck it, I don't even have a phone, no camera anymore, just my computer and fuck no, it won't get wet. I'm fucking starving, this kid is playing awful Cambodian music and my headphones only work in one side haha. Thanks Canada… well, at least she gave me headphones, better these ones that only work in one side than the other ones that don't even work.

I've been thinking a lot these last couple weeks that I think I’m almost done with traveling, would like to settle somewhere for a while and learn something, like university or get a good job somewhere else. I'm not going back to the States or Mexico, fuck that. 

So, I need to figure out a plan. There’s a couple options so need to pick one but also I'm meeting somebody really special in less than a month so we'll see how things go with her. That’s pretty much the only “appointment” I have right now. Really looking forward to it but also a little bit scared. I think I learned my lesson, be completely fucking honest since the moment that you feel something different with somebody. Fuck it. I'm pretty honest with everybody else but not a lot with girls because I don't want to hurt them. 

Made to Sihanoukville, high as fuck because some Israelis. And sleeping in a hostel, I hate hostels but actually this bed is pretty comfortable. Still, I want to sleep naked.

Fuck you little William.

Was it a mistake? Or just a life lesson? I prefer to take the second one. I don’t think anything we do is a mistake, I think it’s just a life lesson. Sometimes we repeat it, I’ve repeated the same fucking mistake a thousand times and I still keep doing it. When will I learn from it? Hopefully before it kills me. 

I left the beautiful island of Koh Rong, Cambodia, just for a girl. A girl that I knew for only 5 days and all the time we spent together was a mixture of drugs, alcohol and sex. I left friends for her. Yeah, I’m a cunt. I should’ve never left, but whatever, I’m on my way back now. 

I did learn from this. Learn to stop thinking with my lower head and use more my heart. I thought that I was using my heart in this one but no, after 3, 4 days of being together I should’ve left. But I didn’t and then I met some amazing people so, yeah, bad things, good things, whatever. I’m on my way back to Koh Rong now, with no money in my pocket, back to work at the bar and probably not even able to afford where to sleep so back into the fucking hammock. 

I’ll find a way, I always do. That’s something I’ve always been good at, finding a way around things and how to get myself out of deep shit. Sometimes it’s hurting and affecting other people. Well, sometimes, not really, probably a lot of times, I’d say 50/50. 

Sitting on train right now on my way to Bangkok, my visa expires tomorrow so if I don’t make it out of the country tomorrow I’ll have to pay 500 baht and I don’t think I really have it. 

But oh well, it’s also my fucking fault, I should’ve left 2, 3 days ago but there you go again. Thinking with the lower head. My penis is going to eventually kill me or get me in a really good situation, one of those 2 this motherfucker will do. 

 On the bright side, it’s beautiful as fuck outside, the train is really comfortable, especially comparing to being on the bus and oh, it was cheaper. 

Well, the girl from last night, California girl and also my first “Asian” I would say, she only had an Asian face but oh well, she’s got the heritage so it counts right? Haha. 

She kept telling me that I have the coolest life of all. I don’t really know, I have no job, I’m 25 traveling around South East Asia still and sleeping around with random girls from all over. I’m really picky so at least they’re hot girls. Yeah, I’m an asshole but fuck you it’s my blog and I write whatever I want. 

So fuck my stupid penis, got me in deep shit again. Oh and the fucker got a tantric massage yesterday, still spoiling the little bastard…

And now me and the little fucker just arrive in Bangkok, no hostel, no internet, no money and visa expires tomorrow. This shall be fun. 

Highness.

I wrote this about 4 days ago, I was debating about posting or not but fuck it.

It was one of the last nights in Koh Rong, until I come back of course.

Enjoy my highness:

Lets see how this goes; I’m pretty high on a lot of drugs at this moment with a cigarette in my mouth. Ketamine, MDMA, Weed, alcohol. I'm totally sure if there had been more drugs around I would’ve taken them. Am I a drug addict or just somebody that’s travelling and experiencing new stuff?

It’s been what? A month? Two? Three? This island is amazing, you create like a little family, one that actually cares more about you than the one you have back “home”. Everybody might be drunk or fucked on drugs most of the time but at least in a little part of their brain you are part of them.

This is fucking awesome; I'm literally sitting on the floor in my room whilst my Canadian and the New Yorker are passed out in my bed.

What the fuck am I listening to? Oh Led Zeppelin, now I see why you were so big. It’s fucking awesome music when you're high.

I always get asked if I’m going back home, that’s a hard question. I don't fucking know where home is. It’s a little bit sad, yeah, it is. Most of you are used to seeing your parents, close friends, siblings, like pretty often. I’m not. I don't even know if my older siblings consider me a sibling, like if somebody asks them how many siblings they got if they would consider me or how do they mention me.

Fuck that sad shit. I just saw the fucking sunrise in a beautiful island in Cambodia surrounded by fucked up people just like me. People that are running away from shit from their countries. There’s a reason why like jobs in places like this and why we agree to get paid with accommodation, food and the big one that’s the big spender for us: ALCOHOL. Or drugs, they pay with weed in some places but still that’s how they keep us.

I was talking to a girl today and it literally felt like I was in the book 1984 and she was part of the proles, because that’s how close minded she was.

Living in “Paradise”?

So, through my travels now I've decided, well, kinda had to stay in this island in Cambodia, Koh Rong is the name. I’m working in a bar, again, yeah I know. That’s the reason I had to leave Vang Vieng but trust me I was drinking a lot more there than here and here you actually have regular shifts at the bar, you can only have so many drinks so it’s a lot more controlled. I'll be saving some money, living in an island that’s so far by now the most beautiful place I've ever seen, meeting so many people, especially girls. I don’t know, my big question is will this be good? To settle down for some time? I was able to do it at Pai in Thailand but it was different because there’s a lot more stuff to do there so I kept myself busy over there, here there’s not a lot to do but lay on the beach, go swimming and that’s pretty much it unless you want to spend money on boat trips and things like that. Well, yesterday was my first day working so we'll see how it goes after a couple days.

Gotta get out.

I've been in this town, Vang Vieng, for 10 days now. I think I became an alcoholic here. Last night while I was helping out in the bar I just realized how much I hated that scene. It's fun a couple times but not when it starts dragging you down. Waking up not knowing what happened. Feeling like shit everyday.

I mean, not everything was bad. I met some amazing people while being here. People I will never forget but also I met some people that I just want to forget and never see again.

I wanted to write a longer post but I'm just not feeling it. Ready to leave this town and meet up with some amazing friends.

Also, I'm meeting somebody, hopefully, in a couple months and I'm super excited to travel Vietnam with her. She is just a lovely amazing person.

Awake. Again.

As I was trying to wake up this morning, still drunk from yesterday, I finally understood what a friend was explaining to me the other day. I realized how my mind was trying to fuck me over, realize that I'm not my mind. My mind likes to have these crazy thoughts, deep and bad feelings over me. Making me feel like shit. Then I just said, fuck you, I'm not these feelings, I'm a happy person, or at least I try to be one. You can't control me.

I think we can recount more when we feel sad that when we feel happy or pretend to be happy because it's easier to remember sad moments. Well at least for me. And I don't really think that happiness is something real. It's just a mix of chemical emotions inside yourself that make you feel great and high.

I have to stop drinking so much, I'm just doing really stupid stuff everytime I do it. The party scene is going to kill me slowly. The so many "fuck its" I say and do are just going to end up destroying me, if they're not already doing it.

You're supposed to enjoy the moment, don't regret the past and don't focus in the future but if I don't focus in my future right now, there won't be one later.

Sometimes I think, who am I writing for? For the people I know that reads me? For myself? For my mind? I really think that I just do it for myself, I don't really care who reads me because if I did my writing would change a lot.

What do I need to get my life together? What does it mean getting your life together? Doing what my family wants me to do? Or what I want to do? If so, what do I want to do with my life?

You guys don't have a single clue how hard it's sometimes to press the publish button, I scroll through other pages, think about twice if I want to share this and then I just click it.

Carpe Diem.

I'm back, sadder and lonelier.

So, yeah, I decided to get back on the writing train. Got myself a single room so I could get more focus on myself, so I could feel the loneliness aching my bones, the reality hitting me. I talked to a friend today, somebody I consider by now a really good friend. I was really hurting, suffering from a person that left my side. Somebody I got too attached, somebody whom I fell "in love" too fast, if love is a true thing. Well, anyhow, what he told me is that I'm not going to be a one girl person, I have too much passion to give, that I have to accept it, I can't change it. I just have to accept it and endure it. He said that I just can't change who I am, that there is a lot of passion in me, I think finally somebody got me. Not trying to be cocky and saying I'm such a passionate person but just looking at myself at the mirror right now makes me realize I am.


So, update? I'm in Lao, was travelling with another dutch girl that just kinda broke me a little bit, it always happens, I'll get back, you guys know how I am. I got a broken collarbone by the way, it'll either fix itself or I'll fix it later. Got a bunch of suicidal thoughts in my head the other day and that's something I discussed with my friend today as well. Pretty much he made me realize that I'm not the crazy one, my mind is. You should think: "but you're your mind", I thought the same thing when he told me but no, the part of my mind that thinks about killing myself, about failure, about being a jerk, an asshole; it's completely a different part than the one that I'm using whilst writing all this. Is the scary part, is the part that I'm alone with mostly at nights, that's why I normally need the heat of a woman at night. I don't want girls for sex, yeah, that's what I tell myself, I want a hot chick to bang her, but no, not really, I want a girl for the company because I'm scared to be alone. What happens when I'm alone? Inspiration comes through, suicidal thoughts become harder and stronger than ever and that's when I get to know myself.

Sometimes I wish I was a better person, sometimes I'm told I'm an amazing person but I just can't believe it. Some people just know me for like 1 day and say I am an amazing person, but they don't know the whole background. Gets me thinking, do you need to know the whole background on somebody so you can judge them or do you just judge somebody on the present? Does anybody even care about the actions of my past or they just mind the actions of my present/near future?

I don't like the William I am becoming sometimes and I would like to just wipe him out.

Still, always remember, carpe the fucking diem. A

As long as I live, I will make you all remember me.