Fuck it

Yeah fuck it, decided to open up a little bit more. Still will remain anonymous, it's mostly to don't hurt people.


https://www.facebook.com/captainmistakes

Again seriously?

it’s 10-17 AM, I’m laying in bed, almost unable to use my right arm, WTF happened last night, I can remember most of it, I have around 15 to 17 stitches in my chest, I feel that I’m in really still strong pain killers. I remember I was in the bar on my way to the restroom to pee and then I suddenly felt into the ocean, I don’t know if I cut myself with a wooden board or with the boat propellers, after that my friends pulled me out of the water and suddenly I was in the island nursery surrounded by my friends, nurses, doctors, police, military, the owner of the bar where I “work”, the sweet khmer boy that works with us, blood all over me, shaking like crazy, they start stitching me up, it hurts like crazy. I can handle pain very well, physical pain but this was mostly a pain of if I want to be there and alive or I would’ve prefer to just died in the water at the moment I fell down. Cops start asking questions, what happened, somebody pushed you? How did you end up like this? Where’s your passport? What’s your passport number? Fuck them. I’ll help the people that’s trying to help me, the paramedics, the doctors, especially most of all my friends, One of them came to check on me and ask me if I needed some food and brought me some. Keeps impressing me that a lot of people that care about you it’s not people you grew up with, it’s people that you have only spend hours, days, weeks, months with them and that’s it. They’ll help you in whatever way they can. It’s an international family.

I wish I was dead right now and didn't have to deal with all that’s coming from this. At least I got this girl to look forward to, 19 days and we will be together. I just don't want to fuck it up. And then after her what? She will be gone back to The Netherlands and what will I do? What if it doesn’t work? Why am I so stupid and fucked up that I can’t never learn from my mistakes and keep running away from them. 

I wish this was a fucking novel but no, it’s my real life, it’s what I deal with everyday. I’m an alcoholic, addicted to women, to drugs, to pushing my body to the limit. 

I do have friends, they’re figuring out a way of helping me out of this one, they're sending me to the mainland tomorrow to a proper hospital so I can get real stitches, not fucking fishing cord.

One of them is in the corner of my bed cutting MDMA so we can sell and make some money to pay for whatever the medical bills will be. I have to stop with this death wish I think I have. 

Analyze

I’m back. Back in fucking Koh Rong. Staying in the same place I did before. Mostly everybody is gone or about to leave, why am I staying? Well, I met this English girl… yeah I said no more English girls but this one is different, I hope so. I really do. I like her. She like fills me up. I get just like this sense that you all call happiness every-time I see her. I love her. 

Am I fucked up? Like do I have issues in my head for real or is this normal for everybody my age that travels. Like I’ve met so many travelers that have the same problems like me. 

How fast can you tell somebody you love them? I’ve only know her for like 2 days and my feelings for her are crazy. I crave her, I want her, I’m in love with her. 

I should stop sharing this. I think it’s hurting people because I’m so honest. 

Wrote this high and drunk. 

Fuck traveling like a local.

After a day of dealing with Thai people at the bus station, on a bus that was supposed to be at 8.30am that suddenly got cancelled, why? I don’t fucking know. But ended up on a minivan all the way to Trat that is like an hour away from the Cambodian border, right now I’m on another minivan from Trat to the border. Will I make it to Sihanoukville tonight? Fuck I don’t know, I don’t even know how you make it after crossing the border. 

I have like no money, don’t even know how I will pay for the ferry tomorrow, I’ll find a way, hopefully… I have good friends in Koh Rong and I’m sure they would never let me down. 

So, I crossed the border, sitting in a private taxi right now driven by a 20 year old Cambodian kid with 2 older ladies sitting in the back. So, yeah, the border. Thank god I have a diplomatic passport, instead of charging me $37 dollars I only paid $17 and they also gave me a 3 month visa, WTF Cambodia, you’re fucking awesome. Of course, after crossing the border, first of all it’s pouring down, so I wanted to hitchhike but it was 7pm when I crossed and raining so… nope. This taxi kid wanted $70 dollars, WTF, I ended up just paying $20. So at the end of the day I ended paying almost what you pay for the bus all the way from Sihanoukville to Bangkok but oh well, another crazy experience to tell. 

Bangkok was pretty fun though, I think this is the time I finally liked it. A couple different reasons, well I arrived on the train with really short money, then I hate asking for money but this beautiful dutch girl helped me with some and then I met up with my friend, well my “friend”. We met through tinder around 1 month and a half ago but we never met in person until when I arrived in Bangkok. Gorgeous Canadian girl that teaches english to kids and hates kids haha, oh and awesome in bed also, so I think that’s why I had such a good time. Stayed at her place, had an amazing time with her and then last night some friends from Mexico arrived so I got to see them, I don't know if I will see them again but we had a really fun night. Kinda regret it this morning because I was fucking hungover as hell on the minivans. Damn you 20 baht shots (less than a dollar). 

Well, tomorrow I should be back in Koh Rong, where it feels like “home”. Most of my friends are still there so I'm pretty excited about that. It’s rainy season but fuck it, I don't even have a phone, no camera anymore, just my computer and fuck no, it won't get wet. I'm fucking starving, this kid is playing awful Cambodian music and my headphones only work in one side haha. Thanks Canada… well, at least she gave me headphones, better these ones that only work in one side than the other ones that don't even work.

I've been thinking a lot these last couple weeks that I think I’m almost done with traveling, would like to settle somewhere for a while and learn something, like university or get a good job somewhere else. I'm not going back to the States or Mexico, fuck that. 

So, I need to figure out a plan. There’s a couple options so need to pick one but also I'm meeting somebody really special in less than a month so we'll see how things go with her. That’s pretty much the only “appointment” I have right now. Really looking forward to it but also a little bit scared. I think I learned my lesson, be completely fucking honest since the moment that you feel something different with somebody. Fuck it. I'm pretty honest with everybody else but not a lot with girls because I don't want to hurt them. 

Made to Sihanoukville, high as fuck because some Israelis. And sleeping in a hostel, I hate hostels but actually this bed is pretty comfortable. Still, I want to sleep naked.

Fuck you little William.

Was it a mistake? Or just a life lesson? I prefer to take the second one. I don’t think anything we do is a mistake, I think it’s just a life lesson. Sometimes we repeat it, I’ve repeated the same fucking mistake a thousand times and I still keep doing it. When will I learn from it? Hopefully before it kills me. 

I left the beautiful island of Koh Rong, Cambodia, just for a girl. A girl that I knew for only 5 days and all the time we spent together was a mixture of drugs, alcohol and sex. I left friends for her. Yeah, I’m a cunt. I should’ve never left, but whatever, I’m on my way back now. 

I did learn from this. Learn to stop thinking with my lower head and use more my heart. I thought that I was using my heart in this one but no, after 3, 4 days of being together I should’ve left. But I didn’t and then I met some amazing people so, yeah, bad things, good things, whatever. I’m on my way back to Koh Rong now, with no money in my pocket, back to work at the bar and probably not even able to afford where to sleep so back into the fucking hammock. 

I’ll find a way, I always do. That’s something I’ve always been good at, finding a way around things and how to get myself out of deep shit. Sometimes it’s hurting and affecting other people. Well, sometimes, not really, probably a lot of times, I’d say 50/50. 

Sitting on train right now on my way to Bangkok, my visa expires tomorrow so if I don’t make it out of the country tomorrow I’ll have to pay 500 baht and I don’t think I really have it. 

But oh well, it’s also my fucking fault, I should’ve left 2, 3 days ago but there you go again. Thinking with the lower head. My penis is going to eventually kill me or get me in a really good situation, one of those 2 this motherfucker will do. 

 On the bright side, it’s beautiful as fuck outside, the train is really comfortable, especially comparing to being on the bus and oh, it was cheaper. 

Well, the girl from last night, California girl and also my first “Asian” I would say, she only had an Asian face but oh well, she’s got the heritage so it counts right? Haha. 

She kept telling me that I have the coolest life of all. I don’t really know, I have no job, I’m 25 traveling around South East Asia still and sleeping around with random girls from all over. I’m really picky so at least they’re hot girls. Yeah, I’m an asshole but fuck you it’s my blog and I write whatever I want. 

So fuck my stupid penis, got me in deep shit again. Oh and the fucker got a tantric massage yesterday, still spoiling the little bastard…

And now me and the little fucker just arrive in Bangkok, no hostel, no internet, no money and visa expires tomorrow. This shall be fun. 

Highness.

I wrote this about 4 days ago, I was debating about posting or not but fuck it.

It was one of the last nights in Koh Rong, until I come back of course.

Enjoy my highness:

Lets see how this goes; I’m pretty high on a lot of drugs at this moment with a cigarette in my mouth. Ketamine, MDMA, Weed, alcohol. I'm totally sure if there had been more drugs around I would’ve taken them. Am I a drug addict or just somebody that’s travelling and experiencing new stuff?

It’s been what? A month? Two? Three? This island is amazing, you create like a little family, one that actually cares more about you than the one you have back “home”. Everybody might be drunk or fucked on drugs most of the time but at least in a little part of their brain you are part of them.

This is fucking awesome; I'm literally sitting on the floor in my room whilst my Canadian and the New Yorker are passed out in my bed.

What the fuck am I listening to? Oh Led Zeppelin, now I see why you were so big. It’s fucking awesome music when you're high.

I always get asked if I’m going back home, that’s a hard question. I don't fucking know where home is. It’s a little bit sad, yeah, it is. Most of you are used to seeing your parents, close friends, siblings, like pretty often. I’m not. I don't even know if my older siblings consider me a sibling, like if somebody asks them how many siblings they got if they would consider me or how do they mention me.

Fuck that sad shit. I just saw the fucking sunrise in a beautiful island in Cambodia surrounded by fucked up people just like me. People that are running away from shit from their countries. There’s a reason why like jobs in places like this and why we agree to get paid with accommodation, food and the big one that’s the big spender for us: ALCOHOL. Or drugs, they pay with weed in some places but still that’s how they keep us.

I was talking to a girl today and it literally felt like I was in the book 1984 and she was part of the proles, because that’s how close minded she was.

Living in “Paradise”?

So, through my travels now I've decided, well, kinda had to stay in this island in Cambodia, Koh Rong is the name. I’m working in a bar, again, yeah I know. That’s the reason I had to leave Vang Vieng but trust me I was drinking a lot more there than here and here you actually have regular shifts at the bar, you can only have so many drinks so it’s a lot more controlled. I'll be saving some money, living in an island that’s so far by now the most beautiful place I've ever seen, meeting so many people, especially girls. I don’t know, my big question is will this be good? To settle down for some time? I was able to do it at Pai in Thailand but it was different because there’s a lot more stuff to do there so I kept myself busy over there, here there’s not a lot to do but lay on the beach, go swimming and that’s pretty much it unless you want to spend money on boat trips and things like that. Well, yesterday was my first day working so we'll see how it goes after a couple days.