Highness.

I wrote this about 4 days ago, I was debating about posting or not but fuck it.

It was one of the last nights in Koh Rong, until I come back of course.

Enjoy my highness:

Lets see how this goes; I’m pretty high on a lot of drugs at this moment with a cigarette in my mouth. Ketamine, MDMA, Weed, alcohol. I'm totally sure if there had been more drugs around I would’ve taken them. Am I a drug addict or just somebody that’s travelling and experiencing new stuff?

It’s been what? A month? Two? Three? This island is amazing, you create like a little family, one that actually cares more about you than the one you have back “home”. Everybody might be drunk or fucked on drugs most of the time but at least in a little part of their brain you are part of them.

This is fucking awesome; I'm literally sitting on the floor in my room whilst my Canadian and the New Yorker are passed out in my bed.

What the fuck am I listening to? Oh Led Zeppelin, now I see why you were so big. It’s fucking awesome music when you're high.

I always get asked if I’m going back home, that’s a hard question. I don't fucking know where home is. It’s a little bit sad, yeah, it is. Most of you are used to seeing your parents, close friends, siblings, like pretty often. I’m not. I don't even know if my older siblings consider me a sibling, like if somebody asks them how many siblings they got if they would consider me or how do they mention me.

Fuck that sad shit. I just saw the fucking sunrise in a beautiful island in Cambodia surrounded by fucked up people just like me. People that are running away from shit from their countries. There’s a reason why like jobs in places like this and why we agree to get paid with accommodation, food and the big one that’s the big spender for us: ALCOHOL. Or drugs, they pay with weed in some places but still that’s how they keep us.

I was talking to a girl today and it literally felt like I was in the book 1984 and she was part of the proles, because that’s how close minded she was.

Living in “Paradise”?

So, through my travels now I've decided, well, kinda had to stay in this island in Cambodia, Koh Rong is the name. I’m working in a bar, again, yeah I know. That’s the reason I had to leave Vang Vieng but trust me I was drinking a lot more there than here and here you actually have regular shifts at the bar, you can only have so many drinks so it’s a lot more controlled. I'll be saving some money, living in an island that’s so far by now the most beautiful place I've ever seen, meeting so many people, especially girls. I don’t know, my big question is will this be good? To settle down for some time? I was able to do it at Pai in Thailand but it was different because there’s a lot more stuff to do there so I kept myself busy over there, here there’s not a lot to do but lay on the beach, go swimming and that’s pretty much it unless you want to spend money on boat trips and things like that. Well, yesterday was my first day working so we'll see how it goes after a couple days.

Gotta get out.

I've been in this town, Vang Vieng, for 10 days now. I think I became an alcoholic here. Last night while I was helping out in the bar I just realized how much I hated that scene. It's fun a couple times but not when it starts dragging you down. Waking up not knowing what happened. Feeling like shit everyday.

I mean, not everything was bad. I met some amazing people while being here. People I will never forget but also I met some people that I just want to forget and never see again.

I wanted to write a longer post but I'm just not feeling it. Ready to leave this town and meet up with some amazing friends.

Also, I'm meeting somebody, hopefully, in a couple months and I'm super excited to travel Vietnam with her. She is just a lovely amazing person.

Awake. Again.

As I was trying to wake up this morning, still drunk from yesterday, I finally understood what a friend was explaining to me the other day. I realized how my mind was trying to fuck me over, realize that I'm not my mind. My mind likes to have these crazy thoughts, deep and bad feelings over me. Making me feel like shit. Then I just said, fuck you, I'm not these feelings, I'm a happy person, or at least I try to be one. You can't control me.

I think we can recount more when we feel sad that when we feel happy or pretend to be happy because it's easier to remember sad moments. Well at least for me. And I don't really think that happiness is something real. It's just a mix of chemical emotions inside yourself that make you feel great and high.

I have to stop drinking so much, I'm just doing really stupid stuff everytime I do it. The party scene is going to kill me slowly. The so many "fuck its" I say and do are just going to end up destroying me, if they're not already doing it.

You're supposed to enjoy the moment, don't regret the past and don't focus in the future but if I don't focus in my future right now, there won't be one later.

Sometimes I think, who am I writing for? For the people I know that reads me? For myself? For my mind? I really think that I just do it for myself, I don't really care who reads me because if I did my writing would change a lot.

What do I need to get my life together? What does it mean getting your life together? Doing what my family wants me to do? Or what I want to do? If so, what do I want to do with my life?

You guys don't have a single clue how hard it's sometimes to press the publish button, I scroll through other pages, think about twice if I want to share this and then I just click it.

Carpe Diem.

I'm back, sadder and lonelier.

So, yeah, I decided to get back on the writing train. Got myself a single room so I could get more focus on myself, so I could feel the loneliness aching my bones, the reality hitting me. I talked to a friend today, somebody I consider by now a really good friend. I was really hurting, suffering from a person that left my side. Somebody I got too attached, somebody whom I fell "in love" too fast, if love is a true thing. Well, anyhow, what he told me is that I'm not going to be a one girl person, I have too much passion to give, that I have to accept it, I can't change it. I just have to accept it and endure it. He said that I just can't change who I am, that there is a lot of passion in me, I think finally somebody got me. Not trying to be cocky and saying I'm such a passionate person but just looking at myself at the mirror right now makes me realize I am.


So, update? I'm in Lao, was travelling with another dutch girl that just kinda broke me a little bit, it always happens, I'll get back, you guys know how I am. I got a broken collarbone by the way, it'll either fix itself or I'll fix it later. Got a bunch of suicidal thoughts in my head the other day and that's something I discussed with my friend today as well. Pretty much he made me realize that I'm not the crazy one, my mind is. You should think: "but you're your mind", I thought the same thing when he told me but no, the part of my mind that thinks about killing myself, about failure, about being a jerk, an asshole; it's completely a different part than the one that I'm using whilst writing all this. Is the scary part, is the part that I'm alone with mostly at nights, that's why I normally need the heat of a woman at night. I don't want girls for sex, yeah, that's what I tell myself, I want a hot chick to bang her, but no, not really, I want a girl for the company because I'm scared to be alone. What happens when I'm alone? Inspiration comes through, suicidal thoughts become harder and stronger than ever and that's when I get to know myself.

Sometimes I wish I was a better person, sometimes I'm told I'm an amazing person but I just can't believe it. Some people just know me for like 1 day and say I am an amazing person, but they don't know the whole background. Gets me thinking, do you need to know the whole background on somebody so you can judge them or do you just judge somebody on the present? Does anybody even care about the actions of my past or they just mind the actions of my present/near future?

I don't like the William I am becoming sometimes and I would like to just wipe him out.

Still, always remember, carpe the fucking diem. A

As long as I live, I will make you all remember me.

Mushrooms

 Well, I haven’t written anything since like a month or something like that when I was still in Thailand, starting this backpacking trip. Well, now it’s been 2 months travelling and guess what… I haven’t found happiness. I have started to believe that happiness is not real. Is totally a myth of how your body feels?

I'm high on shrooms and it feels amazing.

That’s how I started my post the other day when I first tried mushrooms for the first time. Yesterday I did them as well and it felt amazing. At first I was kinda freaked out but then I just gave up on my feeling to control everything around me and just started enjoying everything. My body, my tact, everything around me. It’s actually pretty cool.

Well, trip update, I’m in northern Sumatra, Indonesia, been travelling here for around 3 weeks and I love this place. Fucking visa is only good here for 1 month and hopefully I can extend it for another one. I’m in Lake Toba right now; amazing place super chill and pretty cool people, well being honest, Indonesian people so far are pretty amazing. Trying to decide where I’m going after here, probably Bali for new years to meet with a friend.

Feelings, how have I been feeling lately? I guess cool, sometimes I think a lot about all the shit back in the states but I think I stopped caring and just letting it flow.

Deuces!

Thailand Update.

Hey everybody!!

It’s been quite a while since I write for you guys but that could just mean 2 things, I’m either dead or I’ve been having a blast. A crazy blast pretty much. This country is fucking nuts. It reminds a lot of Mexico back in the 90’s, you can do anything, get anything you want as long as you have money in your pocket. Viagra, valium, cialis, morphine, any fucking drug you want you can get it. I’m not into anything but if I were I would be a really happy addict here. So my trip started in Bangkok, arrived to the airport and everything seem pretty normal, just a regular airport, of course with a lot, A LOT more Asian people. Took the train and made it to the hostel, as I was walking on the street to the hostel there’s a lot of bars with a lot of Thai girls, this was around 11am by the way, and all of them try to grab you and convince you to come into their bar. I went to the hostel, dropped my bag, took a quick shower and head to get some food and a beer. So there it goes, the lost westerner walking into one of those bars full of Thai girls, one comes and sits next to me, trying to make chat on me and of course she wanted me to buy her a drink, I was like fuck that. Ended up getting horrible food and paying a lot for it, now that I know I could’ve paid a 1/5^th of that for a lot better meal and with no uncomfortable company.

Well, I spent a couple days in Bangkok, had my share of fun with the backpacking girls, then met this cool ass Canadian guy from Quebec and went to an island called Koh Phan Ngan in the gulf of Thailand in the southeast. I spent a couple days there just meeting more people, more backpacking girls, having my share of fun, driving a scooter around the island, seeing beautiful beaches and also bitches haha. There was a full moon party there that it was like spring break in Cancun but 10x better and crazier. Then from there I was supposed to travel with this 3 Dutch girls and one German girl, well the German girl liked me but I liked her Dutch friend and lets just say I’m in another island now with the Dutch girls and no German girl. Kinda fucked up but oh well, you all now I’m not a really nice guy sometimes. So, I’m in Koh Tao now, another island around an hour away from the other one with the Dutch girls and from here I’ll be traveling with the Dutch girl. We’ll see how that goes. 

All I’ve learned from this trip till right now is you have to look for what makes you happy, you, not anybody else and I can say I’m pretty fucking happy right now. Still got some stuff I need to take care of back in the States but honestly I don’t even know if I want to ever comeback, I’m pretty happy here in my bungalow with the ocean outside of my door sleeping next to a pretty Dutch girl.

Oh, she loves sex as much as I do as well.