I need this.

I need to push myself. I need to keep going. I need to be positive. I need to be happy. Let's rephrase that. I need to try to be happy. Fake it till you make it right? There's no other way to do it. If I keep pretending to be happy I'll end up being happy one day right? Or what if not? Well, there's no other way to find out than to try it out. I have to surround myself with happy people. With people that care about me. That want the best of me. I know I have people like that in my life. The problem is: They're not fucking here around me. How are some people happy by themselves?

I have never been a loner, I love to be surrounded by people, I love to give them advice on how they can better their lives. On how amazing they're or how amazing they can be. But when it comes to giving advice to myself it's so fucking hard. It's a fucking struggle.

Your own life it's like a fucking balance, when everything in your life it's going great, you're happy. When something it's fucked up, I feel everything else comes down.

I do curse a lot. Mmm.. fuck it. It relieves my stress. Fucking cunts. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

You all have a nice fucking day. Fuck you all.

DAMN!

Holy shit, that was some rage moment I had in my last post. It helped, a lot actually. Calmed me down. But damn, I can go to some dark places in my head. I think I might be crazy but anyways, who's not these days? What's considered normal anymore? Do we want to be normal? I like my craziness, sometimes it gets too out of control but at least I'm trying to control it.

I have always been a master of disguise when it comes to hiding my real feelings, to hiding how I feel inside. After I shared this blog with some people that know me they were like, fuck, but you seem so happy all the time, but you're always a really positive person. Well, that's my costume I put on for them because I don't like to show my flaws to anybody that knows me. That's another big reason I started this, so I could release what I have inside without people judging me or well, without people knowing who to judge. I mean, a lot of you guys that read me don't even know my last name. Name is William and that's pretty much it. I'm trying to keep it in the down low as much as possible because I'm fucking tired of being judged. Maybe one day I'll say fuck it and publish everything or maybe I'll die and all of this will go with me.

And you guys know what. After opening up with friends about this blog, I realized I'm not the only one that thinks like this. Because let's be honest. Nobody likes to share his of her flaws with other people, we always want to show other people how cool we are, how bad asses we are. It's not like you meet somebody and first thing is like: Hey my name is William and I'm a complete wreck, nice to meet you, wanna be my friend? People would get fucking scared and run away. That's why psychologists and psychiatrists make money. They're getting paid to listen to all your problems, because everybody else likes to listen to nice things about your life and you don't need to pay them because they actually enjoy them. Nobody likes a whiner or somebody that complains all the time. I fucking hate to complain or whine but you know what, right now is the only fucking thing I can do and it's my blog so if you don't like it go fuck yourself. Am I trying to overcome all this? Totally. Everyday I try to better myself up in something, in any kind of way, mentally, physically, spiritually. Any way that will help me be a better person and that will help me accomplish what I want in my future.

So, fuck it, let's whine, let's complain but let's better ourselves up

Lets Carpe that fucking Diem.

I hate my life.

I  hate  women.  Yeah,  I  totally  do,  they’re  totally  bitches,  they  brainwash  me  all  the  time.  All  my  problems  relate  to  them.  The  only  nice  women  in  my  life  have  been  my  mom  and  my  grandma  and  still  my  grandma’s  love  always  felt  conditional.  I  mean,  if  you  fucking  love  somebody  isn’t  it  supposed  to  be  unconditional?    And  then  after  you  pour  all  your  fucking  heart  out  all  you  get  in  response  is:  I  need  some  space.  Really?  Fucking  A.  Seriously?  The  worst  part  is  that  I  know  there  are  feelings  underneath  that  thick  skin.  Underneath  that  cold  ass  heart.  And  she’s  just  afraid  on  showing  them  off.  Why  is  it  so  hard  for  some  people  to  open  up?    Or  wait,  here’s  the  worse:  why  some  people  have  to  follow  what  society  mandates  them?  Like,  yeah  go  marry  a  guy  that’s  doing  great  with  his  life  right  now.  Doesn’t  matter  if  you  like  him  or  not.  Doesn’t  matter  if  he  treats  you  like  a  gentleman  or  not.    He’s  got  money  right?  That  should  solve  all  the  problems  right?  I  fucking  hate  this  society,  I  fucking  hate  the  world  we’re  living  in  right  now.  Her  mother  not  appreciating  somebody  for  how  he  treats  her  but  instead  of  what  he  has  to  offer.  I  agree  with  having  to  offer  a  good  life  to  somebody  but  at  the  same  time,  having  the  ambition  to  do  it  does  it  count?  If  I  haven’t  had  the  chances  to  do  it  but  still  want  to,  does  it  fucking  count?    I  HATE  MY  LIFE.  But  at  the  same  time  I  love  it.  Everyday  is  a  fucking  struggle.  I  love  this  girl.  I  will  do  anything  I  can  for  her.  And  I  will.  I  will  show  her  that.  I  will  kick  ass  for  her.  I  could  probably  find  somebody  like  her.  Maybe  better….  I  don’t  think  so.  Not  better  for  me.  Do  I  want  somebody  else?  Not  really.  I  want  her.  I  want  every  inch  of  her  body.  Her  lips.  Her  face.  Her  body.  Her  attitude.  Yeah  it’s  a  bitchy  ass  one  but  I  still  love  her  with  every  inch  of  my  body.    How  the  fuck  do  you  get  over  somebody  like  this?  Can  you?  If  her  and  me  don’t  work  in  the  end  will  I  ever  get  over  her?  I  don’t  want  to.  I’m  fucking  24  years  old  and  I’m  crazy  about  a  23-‐year-‐old  nurse.  It  should  be  the  other  way.  It  totally  should  be  the  other  way.  But  it’s  not,  who  defines  what  is  each  way  or  another in this life?

Are we ever meant to be happy and so... what's happiness?

Unemployed, alcoholic, veteran. Oh and I'm divorced.

Unemployed  alcoholic,  veteran,  oh  and  I’m  divorced.    That’s  what  my  psychologist  said  I  should  start  telling  girls,  see  if  they  still  like  me.  Well  it’s  been  a  couple  days  since  my  last  post  but  I  have  come  to  realize  more  and  more  that  writing  helps  me  calm  my  anxiety  and  put  things  straight.  Well  I  finally  got  a  job,  at  bar  Louie,  whatever;  do  I  really  want  to  work  there?  Fuck  no.  But  I  need  to  keep  myself  busy  in  someway.  Also,  there’s  that  meetup  app  that  people  put  gatherings  about  things  you  might  like  and  you  can  join  them.  I’ll  be  trying  my  first  one  tomorrow,  is  like  a  meditation  group  so  I’ll  see  how  that  goes.    So  last  night  I  went  out  with  a  couple  people,  and  there  was  this  girl,  really  pretty,  with  freckles,  pretty  hot  also,  smart  also,  like  all  the  characteristics  I  normally  look  in  somebody.  She  was  flirting  with  me  and  everything,  I  totally  could’ve  taken  her  home  or  well,  make  her  take  me  home  because  I  haven’t  found  a  place.  Well  I  haven’t  even  looked  that  much  honestly;  I  should  do  that  later  today,  anyways.  Well,  I  didn’t  hit  on  her,  it  just  felt  wrong,  I  felt  like  I  would  be  cheating  on  my  girl,  ex-‐gf,  love  of  my  life,  life  companion,  the  one  that  broke  my  heart,  I  don’t  even  know  how  the  fuck  to  call  her  anymore  but  should  I  have  done  it?  Maybe.  Or  not.  Like  there’s  a  saying  in  Spanish:  “Un  clavo  saca  otro  clavo”  pretty  much  means  one  nail  pushes  the  other  nail  out  but  the  issue,  like  to  get  over  somebody  you  have  to  get  somebody  else  but  then  the  issue  is  that  what  if  the  other  nail  leaves  even  a  deeper  hole.    Also,  last  week  I  had  some  like  crazy  thoughts  of  killing  myself.  I  just  felt  really  sad,  depressed,  like  there  was  nothing  else  for  me.  Would  I  kill  myself?  Probably  not,  I  love  myself  too  much  for  that  shit,  it’s  the  first  time  in  life  I’ve  ever  thought  about  something  like  that,  so  I  started  asking  friends  if  they  have  ever  had  thoughts  like  that  and  most  of  them  said  yes,  that  all  the  time.  Holy  shit.  Seriously?  That’s  no  good  at  all,  why  are  we  in  such  a  sad  society?    So,  I’m  still  in  Fort  Worth,  Texas.  No  friends,  lonely  as  fuck,  with  a  broken  heart,  not  being  able  to  hook  up  with  other  chicks  because  my  brain  is  like  fucking  blocked  haha.  Where  the  fuck  is  the  old  me?  That  guy  was  awesome,  but  also  he  objectifies  women  and  he’s  pretty  good  at  being  an  asshole.

Can you fix somebody?

So, here I am. Texas. Fort Worth to be exact. I like it, I love the city. I was supposed to be in College Station but oh well, shit happens right? That's what they say right? Well, how much fucking shit can happen to you? I don't know but I've been getting a lot lately. I'm glad is just like a phrase because if not I would be disgusting by now.

So, here it goes. My girlfriend or ex-girlfriend, I don't even know anymore. We drive from NC to TX, and like I said in my last post it was an awesome roadtrip. I fell in love more and more every minute we spent together. She's the worst co-pilot ever by the way. But alright, I get down here, I was supposed to stay with my cousin in Dallas and then we got in a fight so I ended up with my other cousin in Fort Worth and well, it is what it is but I actually like the place a lot. Not his place, well his place is cool but is a one bedroom apartment so I'm sleeping on a small ass couch. So, well the VA department fucked me over and my school benefits haven't been delivered to the school, so unless somebody can spare a bunch of cash I can't start there right now so I decided to stay here in Fort Worth for a little bit. Well, that happened, then my girlfriend or ex or whatever, yeah she, decided finally that a long distance relationship wasn't going to work. Should've seen that coming but my stupid head was too blinded by love. I still love her to dead, is there something wrong with me? Where's the guy that was an asshole and could get over anybody easy as fuck. Well, karma is a bitch right? Payback. But it could be worse, I could be fat, bald and ugly. And I got a $5 check in the mail, at least I got that going on for me. I applied to a couple jobs around here, so I'm not a broke college student.

I don't know what to type anymore, I don't even know if you guys really read this or just scroll through.

Well fuck it, also, I started seeing a psychologist today, she said I was a hot mess and that she was going to fix me and then that got me thinking: "CAN I BE FUCKING FIXED?"

Also, what do you guys think about conditional and unconditional love? Are people too selfish these days?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Summer roadtrip

Finally in Arkansas, damn, it has been a while since I’ve been here, I kind of missed it but I’m glad I’m just passing by, not really a town I would like to live in. Too many sluts and not the kind of people I like to hang around with, and by that kind of people I mean dumbasses, sorry if I offend you but it’s my blog and like I said before I don’t care. It’s been such a crazy and cool road trip, let me tell you all about it.

First we stopped in Asheville, NC. Such an amazing town, we stayed at this cool dance studio downtown that we found through this app called airbnb, the place was pretty cool because it was close to all the bars and art galleries, the bed was pretty squeaky, if you now what I mean. Cool bars, cool people, open-minded people. After there we went to Gatlinburg, TN, oh wait, I forgot, we totally had sex in the studio, like where people take dance classes, another cool place added to the list, well anyways, this place in Tennessee is pretty cool because is right in the middle of the smoky mountains, the bad part is like the downtown part is so fucking touristic. White fat Americans everywhere, crossing the street everywhere, with their loud ass kids. Anyways, we stayed in this cabin on top of the mountain, pretty bad ass, hot tub outside facing the mountains, bath tub inside, pretty much perfect for a sexscapade. Then we got to Nashville, TN, downtown is full of country bars, boot shops, fucking overpriced boots but whatever, and again, tourists, shit ton of them. We ended up drinking a little bit too much, went back to the room and had a lot of crazy sex, did some things I’ve never done, that I would totally do again but we fell asleep at 9pm so we ended up not doing anything at night, whatever. I don’t suffer from little things like that. So we left Nashville this morning, stopped at Memphis, it is so fucking ghetto and again, bunch of tourists, I mean I don’t mind tourists but I do mind the fucking redneck type tourist, like this lady we saw with an Elvis tattoo on her calf and Elvis signature on her forearm. And now we’re in Arkansas, going to stop at this lake I used to go cliff diving and then drive a little bit more and head to Texas, stop somewhere and keep driving tomorrow to Dallas so I can drop her at the airport. And here it is, last night together in a while, I’m going to miss the fuck out of her and be the most depressed person for a while. Hopefully it works; I’m putting all my eggs on this basket.



In Omnia Paratus

Karma it is a bitch

Guess it could always be worse, she could be with somebody else and not with me. It is what it is, I guess this is what happens when two people spend so much time together, just like my grandma says: Even the best towers in the world need some space in-between if no they will collapse. I guess we have been together too long, we just need some space apart, how will we be able to create that space between us if we’re traveling together? How can you accomplish space if you are actually in the same place traveling with somebody else? I guess this is a question for people doing like backpacking trips in couples. I remember traveling with just one friend, I would get tire of them. Why did she get tire of me and not me of her? Or maybe I will get tire of her later? I remember getting tired of my ex and running to my friends because I was just tired of spending time with her, I guess this is payback? Karma right? Fuckin-A, but oh well, I can just sit down here and cry and be a little bitch or try to make the best of it and spend it with her. The real test will be whenever she leaves and we will be apart for like 1,400 miles. That my friends, it’s the real test of love. Have you guys ever seen that picture or that saying that’s chinese or some Asian shit like that, that mentions that there is a red string keeping people together, fuck it let me google it. Got it, red string of fate and yeah it is fucking chinese, those guys have quotes and sayings for everything. Well this is what it says: The gods tie a red cord around the ankles of those that are to met one another in a certain situation or help each other in a certain way. The two people connected by the red thread are destined lovers, regardless of time, place, or circumstances. This magical cord  may stretch or tangle, but never break. So, is there a tie between her and me? Maybe, we will find out I guess. I mean, we met in really random situations. I was living with my friend, the alcoholic, and his wife, the housewife and he never goes to the pool of his apartment complex, so I convinced him and I saw her and thought she was really cute, well, I’m a guy, I thought she was hot and wanted to bang her. Yeah women, I’m an asshole, we only see you girls as pieces of meat. No, don’t be stupid, we don’t, but you have to like somebody physically before anything else, you need that desire, that passion, that feeling that I don’t know how to call but pretty much I wanted her to sit on my face. And then I got to meet her and I liked her more because of her personality, also she’s kinda bitchy, (only child and spoiled by her mother, go figure) not a big fan of that but oh well, I’m not Mr. Perfect right here. I have my flaws, I drink too much sometimes, stress a lot about every shit, criticize everybody and criticize myself a lot, feel like a fucking loser a lot of times. Oh, I cried today, in a public place, yeah, fucking pussy, but whatever, you all can fuck yourselves, I cried because of happiness, I never thought I could ever be this happy in my life and then I got scared because my happiness is because somebody else is in my life, why haven’t I been able to be this happy before just by myself? Maybe I have, but it’s a different kind of happiness, that accomplishment happiness, just when I did the ASVAB (test to join the United States Military) and I received the results, really high results, and I’m like what the fuck does this numbers mean and the lady is like well they’re really impressive high results and I’m like and? So what the fuck can I do? And she was like, son, you can join any military branch and do whatever job you fucking want. That’s accomplishment happiness, like when you score a test. Or make your girl cum a shit ton of times. Can we just be fucking happy and enjoy life? Smile, that’s all you need. FUCKING SMILE. Smile to everybody, you will make their day, or not? So what. You might prevent somebody from killing themselves. Sometimes all we need is a good hug to remind us there’s still hope.

Carpe fucking diem.